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My Dark Blue

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  • RhymeLovingWriter
    replied
    If you look around the zone postings at all Mal - you'll find that most of us are learning constantly. Revising, trying new formats, and generally receive kind encouragement from the other poets who take time to read our perceptions. You will find your own path, but only if you keep walking - so don't be discouraged - and don't be too hard on yourself. Every poet that has ever lived had to pick up a pen and start somewhere. Again, welcome to the zone.

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  • MalGalsYourPal
    replied
    Aaaaand never mind. I just read through some of the stuff I've written in the past year and it's all amateur junk with the same flaws as this one plus many more. Maybe I'll post again in the future if I get my flow worked out right and fix some of my other issues.

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  • MalGalsYourPal
    replied
    Thank you all for your advice. I, too, thought it was a bit long before I posted but I worked so hard on it I didn't want to cut anything out. I try not to take poetry too seriously because if I did, I'm sure I would disappoint myself lol. It's just a fun hobby for me. Fun, even though most of it is depressing I just enjoy writing. I've tried writing stories but I'm even worse at that. I just usually can't come up with anything to say. I'll post some of my other stuff and see if you guys like it any better. In the future, I'll definitely try to incorporate some of your tips and advice. Thanks again!

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  • Suz-zen
    replied
    Welcome, MalGalsYourPal . Your poem emotes the feelings of a heavy feeling of desperate depression. Also a lesson in mental illness. Both good in poetry in my opinion. There are several stanzas I really like. I think you have several poems here. I am glad you let all of the feelings and words out. Now you have something to work from and maybe have 3 or even 4 poems to build from here.

    I especially liked:
    Welcome to my helplessness

    Underwhelmed with fecklessness

    Overwhelmed with dreadfulness

    Can’t escape the pestilent

    malevolent

    negligent

    sentiment



    AND

    Welcome to my goneness

    I would never condone this

    It’s kind of like accident proneness

    A cure isn’t even on my own list


    Keep at it!!!

    Suz



    Leave a comment:


  • AnatoliyS
    replied
    Nicely done, MalGalsYourPal ! Your subject theme is expressed quite well in this verse, but I have to agree with grant hayes – this can be improved greatly if you try to shorten the poem. Right now you have a very good rough sketch. You accomplished something I often fail to do – you came up with 31 variations on your theme, with slight differences, really exploring the topic you are trying to express. This is really great for the process of writing a poem, but as Grant mentioned, it is a little too much for an average reader to handle!

    There is a great benefit in trying a shorter format – you will have to choose the words and verses that really strike the reader. I would suggest to try and limit yourself to just 8 verses, as an exercise, and see which ones you would choose if that would be the limit. You have already done a lot of work, so right now it just about polishing process.

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  • grant hayes
    replied
    31 verses on the one theme, in the same format on repeat may be interesting to you, but your readers will switch off. This is a long litany of sameness. Try capturing the essence of your subject in fewer words. As for your theme - self-lament is best expressed by finding striking images and turns of phrase, not the abstractions you favour here. Show, don't tell.

    Leave a comment:


  • Muttado1sb
    replied
    Welcome, MalGalsYourPal! A nice first posting, well rhymed throughout. You will find all kinds of poetry here, and there are a few others who tend towards darker poetry. As amenOra mentioned your poem is a bit rough in places. However, the more you write, the better you get at flow. One trick I learned here is to read what you write aloud, and you can find some of the stumbling blocks. (Doesn't always work for me, but most of the time. :-) Also, read people's comments on other poems, from that you can pick up a lot of tips on how others form their poems. Enjoy!
    Last edited by Muttado1sb; 03-14-2017, 09:31 PM.

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  • MalGalsYourPal
    replied
    thank you for your input. flow is something i really struggle with, so i agree i need to improve there. i always appreciate constructive criticism.

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  • amenOra
    replied
    well, the second and third stanza set up a precedent.. being that, the second is a very smooth flow, and the third is jarring. You need rhythm. i suggest, also, that with a poem you read it aloud to decide where the flow needs to go. And then switch between inner ear and preference of rhythm, flow, and diction. thanks for sharing, Malgal! keep it up

    Leave a comment:


  • MalGalsYourPal
    started a topic My Dark Blue

    My Dark Blue

    I'm not very good at poetry but it's something I enjoy doing. Most of what I write has to do with depression and/or anxiety, so it can get dark at times. Check out My Dark Blue and give me your honest opinions! Also this is my first post so forgive me if i did something wrong!

    Welcome to my dark blue

    An all-encompassing hue

    Raindrops fall on cue

    And hang around like morning dew



    Welcome to my disorder

    Where sanity is a thin border

    Living out misfortune

    Reality distorted



    Welcome to my vexation

    A sort of mental mutation

    Searching for salvation

    Finding only stagnation



    Welcome to the void

    Where happiness is destroyed

    Nothing left to be enjoyed

    Diversion tactics all been deployed



    Welcome to my anguish

    Some days you’ll want to vanish

    Thoughts you would if you could extinguish

    Your consciousness you would relinquish



    Welcome to my helplessness

    Underwhelmed with fecklessness

    Overwhelmed with dreadfulness

    Can’t escape the pestilent

    malevolent

    negligent

    sentiment



    Welcome to my menace

    Where problems seem tremendous

    You perfect a form of memesis

    Pointless is your penance



    Welcome to my tribulation

    You'll do anything in desperation

    Look around at desolation

    Overactive imagination



    Welcome to my affliction

    Where you'll believe your brain's depiction

    Even when truth's a contradiction

    It's a serious condition



    Welcome to my decay

    Your faults are on display

    Living life in disarray

    You've become the prey



    Welcome to my descent

    Where all your energy's spent

    And all your thoughts are torment

    Out of time, you begin to senescent



    Welcome to my darkness

    Where the skies are starless

    Your thoughts you try to harness

    But you'll be here regardless



    Welcome to my despondency

    Fueled by its own constancy

    My mind is a dichotomy

    Between ordinary and curiosity



    Welcome to my listlessness

    My demons act with resistlessness

    How can my own mind act with such maliciousness

    Life is vagueness and indefiniteness



    Welcome to my plight

    Everyday is fight or flight

    Feeling defeated and outwardly contrite

    Feelings which don’t seem finite



    Welcome to my melancholy

    Hating all lightness and all folly

    Saddened by our country’s forced duopoly

    We need some form of benevolent svengali



    Welcome to my recklessness

    My own perpetual nemesis

    Reflection shows my wretchedness

    I feel nothing but ambivalence



    Welcome to my anomaly

    Faking it through the motions so slowly

    Do I have brain parasites? Do I need Albendazole?

    Fuck! My brain is guacamole



    Welcome to my cynicism

    The controversy has created a schism

    Doc after doc interrogating me through catechism

    “Under a cloud” is a pesky little euphemism



    Welcome to my delirium

    Either caused by or worsened by the lithium

    I don’t have to ask for drugs they just give me em

    Somethings throwing off my equilibrium



    Welcome to my cowardice

    Weakening and powerless

    One day you’ll say depression devoured her

    At my funeral you’ll say the anxiety overpowered her



    Welcome to my goneness

    I would never condone this

    It’s kind of like accident proneness

    A cure isn’t even on my own list



    Welcome to my misery

    It’s clear even in your periphery

    Most of my medical history

    Includes mental illness, chronically



    Welcome to my hollowness

    Symptoms are imageless

    Make you wish for the apocalypse

    Reality is darker than the abyss



    Welcome to my distress

    Filling me with emptiness

    Falling apart I must confess

    Loneliness can’t be suppressed



    Welcome to my sullenness

    For many years I’ve been mulling this

    Wish I knew how to finish it

    Subconscious is running this



    Welcome to my insecurity

    It blasts my immaturity

    I gaze into my futurity

    See nothing but obscurity



    Welcome to my atychiphobia

    Accompanied by social phobia

    Agoraphobia , dysmorphophobia

    Real life dystopia



    Welcome to my apathy

    Burnt out on sympathy

    A Shakespearian tragedy

    A crime against humanity



    Welcome to my morose

    I’ve been diagnosed

    And I stay dosed

    Me and this illness remain foes



    Welcome to my desperation

    I’d subject myself to mind ablation

    Deducing facts from inclination

    I’ve reached my final abnegation

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