Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Lottery, or, the So-Called Stream of Consciousness (version 3)

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Lottery, or, the So-Called Stream of Consciousness (version 3)

    Viscid, beetling on Silverwater's bridge,
    between the dawnlit river and oilworks,
    another age of bonewrack paces

    - thickened this moment
    with errands and somewhere to get –

    provokes me to hope in underflows:
    tangent to mangroves,
    where the tides lave stink
    of earth, and the wake of ferryboat
    slaps the sandstone senseless
    of all its witness;

    rolls me en route from Rydalmere
    to the sea in the riverbend’s
    brown and peeling drift.

    The dream of ocean powers that pare
    the spark from sunken bone
    so dear a music keens
    I’d abdicate, give over fact
    at the slightest gutter of will, a wink
    from the cypher root of signs.

    So leach me seaward and be done,
    O sun, with all my numbered laps;
    down drive my doubled steps
    to the carwrecks and starbones,
    there to purge my lackworn age
    of christs and elder wights,
    the staining light that never
    hatched me a nestegg
    apt for the times.

    So did I win?
    It rains.
    Last edited by grant hayes; 02-13-2017, 02:28 AM.

  • #2
    Longer term users of the forum may recall the previous incarnations of this piece. The fifth stanza here is entirely new, and fills a gap that has always bothered me - the too-abrupt transition from brown and peeling drift to So leach me seaward and be done. I felt that there needed to be some elaboration that accounts for the emphatic appeal to the sun in stanza six. The new stanza fills a narrative gap, but runs the risk of compromising the spontaneity of the piece, which I originally posted with virtually no editing. I've also changed a few other words here and there, and have abandoned the earlier stanza structure, which attempted a pattern of line numbers.

    Comment


    • #3
      Here is the previous version:

      Fro and beetling Silverwater's bridge,
      between the dawnlit river and oilworks,

      another age of bonewrack paces
      - quickened this moment
      with errands and somewhere to get -

      provokes me to hope in underflows:
      tangent to mangroves,
      where the tides lave stink
      of earth, and the wash of rivercat
      slaps the sandstone senseless
      of all its witness;

      rolls me en route from Rydalmere
      to the sea in the riverbend’s
      brown and peeling drift.

      So leach me seaward and be done,
      O sun, with all my numbered laps;

      down drive my doubled steps
      to the carwrecks and starbones,
      there to purge my lackworn age

      of christs and elder wights,
      the staining light that never
      hatched me a nestegg
      apt for the times.
      So did I win?
      It rains.

      Comment


      • #4
        I don't know how to elaborate it but I like the original better...you must be right about compromising the spontaneity of the piece. It did it for me. The added stanza though filling the gap sounded a bit mushy for me. I like the word quickened from original better than thickened and I also like rivercat from original better than ferryboat. Just keep the original 😊

        Comment


        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          Thank you for that response, imrogue. Sometimes polishing a piece takes the shine off it! My main reason for changing 'rivercat' was a concern that readers wouldn't realize it was a kind of watercraft. I changed 'quickened' to 'thickened' because I was trying to intensify the sense of slowed movement, introduced by the new initial word 'viscid'.
          I'm appalled that I may have come across as 'mushy'. Of all the things I'd want to avoid, sentimentality is at the top of the list. I'm interested to know whether any other readers would concur with you there.
          It's really helpful, what you've said here; much appreciated, imrogue

      • #5
        I am sure that i have missed some deeper point, so forgive me for that

        When i read this I feel as though I am taking a walk with you, listening to you describe all that surrounds us. The first line seems to suggest that this spot is of special interest or beauty as you are hesitant to leave, but as there are things that must be done you move on.We walk along the river and by the sea.You seem to long to be one with all around us, the beautiful and the ugly. Just to be at peace with everything. The rain finishes the experience perfectly. "Did you win?" Whether a stroll through town or a stroll through life i believe that you have indeed won!

        Comment


        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          Missing some deeper point? On the contrary, rhymetime; you are a most perceptive reader. Your response here makes me feel I have actually communicated something essential. If my phrasing and imagery seem elusive at times, it's because I am trying to grasp fleeting feeling states and thoughts, which are themselves elusive. Many thanks for such a detailed and insightful response!

      • #6
        Hello grant, Into the heart of Mr Hayes, a river journey ebbing and flowing with the changing verses of discovery. I really got into this one, a great adventure, at times lost in the flow but the sea was always in sight. Splendid in all, really. Well done indeed. Regards, Tony

        Comment


        • #7
          Many thanks for taking the journey, Tony. I've since tinkered with this piece even further, but sharing a version 4 would be outstaying the welcome, I daresay.

          Comment


          • imrogue
            imrogue commented
            Editing a comment
            lol to that Grant

        • #8
          Not sure how I missed seeing this I dont remeber an earlier ost so i must be before my time. Having said that I immediatly remembered bbbbbbbbbbbbbbonewrack paces one of your descriptions that always resonated with me. I don't feel spontaniety is compromised but reading the new version first I was ready to accept it. Reading the original second I am already aware how you bridged the gap so that doesn'tbother me.Sorrythinking as I type. I prefer the new version but sometimes it has to be up to the poet shine can be pollished on and rubbed off.Final answer I prefer the new one

          Comment


          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            You think well as you type, Parkinsonspoet. I have tweaked the new version further - a word here and there. I don't tinker with everything I write; some poems stay untouched, others are never quite done with. I prefer the new version too; it feels more complete to me, though in the new-new version I took heed of imrogue and put 'rivercat' back in. Thank you so much for engaging with this again, Parkinsonspoet!

        • #9
          I agree with you about sentimentality. Hypocrite words can creep in and turn a poem into mush. I remember the images in this one and they are still just as strong. You are far to gifted to worry about overworking a poem. Ive recently taken up origami and my wastebasket of overfolded flowers is my reminder to leave a poem alone when it is crisp.

          Comment


          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            Crisp is a word and state I like, with regard to poems, lunar glide.

        • #10
          I love this edition!

          The added phrase makes for an even smoother flow.

          Comment


          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            That's very encouraging; thanks, Dwayne. I have tinkered a little bit more, but not enough to warrant a version 4 share.
        Working...
        X