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Lottery, or, the So-Called Stream of Consciousness (version 3)

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  • Lottery, or, the So-Called Stream of Consciousness (version 3)

    Deleted
    Last edited by grant hayes; 12-25-2017, 08:18 PM.

  • #2
    I don't know how to elaborate it but I like the original better...you must be right about compromising the spontaneity of the piece. It did it for me. The added stanza though filling the gap sounded a bit mushy for me. I like the word quickened from original better than thickened and I also like rivercat from original better than ferryboat. Just keep the original 😊

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    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you for that response, imrogue. Sometimes polishing a piece takes the shine off it! My main reason for changing 'rivercat' was a concern that readers wouldn't realize it was a kind of watercraft. I changed 'quickened' to 'thickened' because I was trying to intensify the sense of slowed movement, introduced by the new initial word 'viscid'.
      I'm appalled that I may have come across as 'mushy'. Of all the things I'd want to avoid, sentimentality is at the top of the list. I'm interested to know whether any other readers would concur with you there.
      It's really helpful, what you've said here; much appreciated, imrogue

  • #3
    I am sure that i have missed some deeper point, so forgive me for that

    When i read this I feel as though I am taking a walk with you, listening to you describe all that surrounds us. The first line seems to suggest that this spot is of special interest or beauty as you are hesitant to leave, but as there are things that must be done you move on.We walk along the river and by the sea.You seem to long to be one with all around us, the beautiful and the ugly. Just to be at peace with everything. The rain finishes the experience perfectly. "Did you win?" Whether a stroll through town or a stroll through life i believe that you have indeed won!

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    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Missing some deeper point? On the contrary, rhymetime; you are a most perceptive reader. Your response here makes me feel I have actually communicated something essential. If my phrasing and imagery seem elusive at times, it's because I am trying to grasp fleeting feeling states and thoughts, which are themselves elusive. Many thanks for such a detailed and insightful response!

  • #4
    Hello grant, Into the heart of Mr Hayes, a river journey ebbing and flowing with the changing verses of discovery. I really got into this one, a great adventure, at times lost in the flow but the sea was always in sight. Splendid in all, really. Well done indeed. Regards, Tony

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    • #5
      Many thanks for taking the journey, Tony. I've since tinkered with this piece even further, but sharing a version 4 would be outstaying the welcome, I daresay.

      Comment


      • imrogue
        imrogue commented
        Editing a comment
        lol to that Grant

    • #6
      Not sure how I missed seeing this I dont remeber an earlier ost so i must be before my time. Having said that I immediatly remembered bbbbbbbbbbbbbbonewrack paces one of your descriptions that always resonated with me. I don't feel spontaniety is compromised but reading the new version first I was ready to accept it. Reading the original second I am already aware how you bridged the gap so that doesn'tbother me.Sorrythinking as I type. I prefer the new version but sometimes it has to be up to the poet shine can be pollished on and rubbed off.Final answer I prefer the new one

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        You think well as you type, Parkinsonspoet. I have tweaked the new version further - a word here and there. I don't tinker with everything I write; some poems stay untouched, others are never quite done with. I prefer the new version too; it feels more complete to me, though in the new-new version I took heed of imrogue and put 'rivercat' back in. Thank you so much for engaging with this again, Parkinsonspoet!

    • #7
      I agree with you about sentimentality. Hypocrite words can creep in and turn a poem into mush. I remember the images in this one and they are still just as strong. You are far to gifted to worry about overworking a poem. Ive recently taken up origami and my wastebasket of overfolded flowers is my reminder to leave a poem alone when it is crisp.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        Crisp is a word and state I like, with regard to poems, lunar glide.

    • #8
      I love this edition!

      The added phrase makes for an even smoother flow.

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        That's very encouraging; thanks, Dwayne. I have tinkered a little bit more, but not enough to warrant a version 4 share.
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