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Last edited by grant hayes; 12-20-2017, 04:50 PM. -
But they were heard by you. And now by us.
This is really beautiful and wise and reminds me to live aware.
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You will, of course, know best - but I like it as is. OK - let me try that again as I am still waking and went straight to comments without seeing you'd already had the tinkering posted. Definitely prefer 'feline slayers', like the 'by day' addition, tend toward no change in S2, but as it is slight - either works, and definitely favor the first ending - it more clearly delineates the contrast - those birds should be heard!
Thanks for the 'read-aloud' below - my phrasing was almost identical.
Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 02-11-2017, 06:58 AM. -
It's intriguing to me, Rhymist, that you ended up preferring the very thing I felt was too prescriptive in the ending - that contrast. ☺ I thought it was redundant (simply restating in a rather bald way what S1 had established) and that, conceptually, a process of diminution was more appropriate. I also toned down the description of the felines, letting their menace be hinted rather than asserted. I removed the reproachful 'Is barely noticed' at S2-L10, opting to let the reader detect that for themselves. It would appear that those who have offered responses prefer the first version. -
I love that you entertain consideration. What do I know about poetry anyway??
It's true that the contrast was drawn - but the finality of the first version helped to underscore (for me at least) the tragedy - none of this going quietly - but then, I repeat myself. Dylan Thomas is having his way with my thinking lately.
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The train's at the station again. Which flock are you gonna follow. Too late you had your head buried in your phone.Comment
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"Their planet sectioned
Subject to thumbs" Lol. That's sad/ bad at the same time. One day my husband and I went to a restaurant and saw a couple across our table where a husband reading or typing using his tablet while the wife with blank stare sitting quietly accross him for a while... All I said to my husband was: "Don't you ever do that to me." as I pointed them out to him.Comment
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It's a depressing prospect, imrogue, that kind of disengagement between a couple.Comment
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Wonderful. Your words give the feel of black and white like newsprint. City of birds! Modern and subtly elegant.Comment
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I am always wondering, how are YOU reading your own poems? You rarely use punctuation, leaving it up to the reader to build their own flow, which I think is great, as we can find our own interpretation. But would be great to compare with how the poem sounds in your head. If you have time/willingness, would you mind recording your reading of it (or any other poem of your own choosing)?
I like this poem a lot, and to me personally the first version works better.Comment
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This is how it sounds in MY head:Originally posted by AnatoliyS View Post
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At dusk each tree – a city of birds –
Is rife with news, that wings have won.
Report of the fleshpot yards,
Of worms and scraps,
And warning –
Of feline slayers,
Or word of updraft –
Warm along the shores.
The din falls under;
The silence between.
The strangers,
Chaired or propped for the clock of transit
Wrapped in zones of prickled air –
Hellbent on phones.
The sunfall marks for them no passage.
A wash of stagecraft is barely noticed –
Backing their storied palms,
Their planet sectioned
And subject to thumbs.
The birds erupt unheard.Comment
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I like the 1st version but I thought the ending could be:
The birds unheard...unseen
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Hi Anatoliy, I am fine with readers settling on their own way of reading my stuff. I don't omit punctuation in all pieces; at times I apply it carefully when I feel it is necessary. If I were to punctuate this piece, I would do it as follows:
At dusk each tree,
a city of birds,
is rife with news
that wings have won:
report of the fleshpot yards,
of worms and scraps,
and warning of feline slayers,
or word of updraft
warm along the shores.
The din falls under
the silence between
the strangers:
chaired or propped
for the clock of transit,
wrapped in zones of prickled air,
and bent on phones.
The sunfall marks for them
no passage,
is barely noticed:
a wash of stagecraft
backing their storied palms,
their planet sectioned,
subject to thumbs.
The birds erupt unheard.
I would not want to compromise any pleasure readers have in the piece by intoning it in my own dull, droning voice.
Thank you for engaging, and for offering your own punctuated version. It's interesting to me to see how someone else makes sense of what I have written, and helps me to improve.Comment
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Hello grant, A keen birdwatcher myself, in my youth and I'v witnessed these busy trees of evening in Dublin. Though poets usually verse in bird song, we must remember that they do love to chatter, especially in the evening. You have heard the birds talk while the rest of the world were on their phones and expressed it in striking poetry. So busy and so interesting the world around us but so preoccupied are we with thumbing the keys of technology. You are keenly aware and of the moment in this most splendid verse. Were they sparrows, great chatterers them? Regards, Tony.Comment
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Grant i like both of them but prefer the first.That it is more prescriptive maybe a strength.Not everyone wants to work it out. Your confirmation would be a comfortComment
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I am perhaps too guarded about falling into melodramatic turns, Parkinsonspoet; in being that way, I may sometimes miss the opportunity to be moving.Comment
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Grant we are all indiduals and all different and that's what make things interesting.If we all had just one set of rules there would be no point. There is a complexity to some your poetry that is truly glorious and if you didn't write it nobody else could. One word that has never occured to me about your poetry is melodramatic so if you are guarded maybe you don't need to be. -
Thank you for that vote of confidence, Parkinsonspoet. Such feedback helps me really to learn what works and what doesn't. I am still trying to reveal the heart in all that complexity, getting closer.
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I almost fear to comment as your work normally takes me a great deal of reading between the lines, whereas this piece is direct, at least to my ear. As far as versions go i find them both well done. I do prefer "feline slayers" This seem to combine both the existence of cats as well as the threat.
Of course it is the last line that divides the presentations. Both versions suggest how people tend to go through life unaware and unconcerned about their surroundings.
If one sees the birds as representative of an ignored menace then the last line of version one suggests, to me, that we may be attacked and destroyed before we become aware that anything has happened.
If the birds are a representation of all the good and positive around us that we take for granted, Then the last line of version two suggests the loss of those things. The beauty that is simply extinct before we saw it as beautiful.
Well those are my thoughts.Comment
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I like them both, I cannot choose, I'd imagine for you, it is skin to choosing between children!Comment
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