Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

We’re Through

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • We’re Through


    We’re Through

    you picked a fight
    last night. and right
    then I knew, sight
    unseen, your bite,
    like your bark, might
    worse than its sleight
    abuse excite.

    you, who delight
    in keeping tight
    eye on full fright
    triggered by blight,
    have no foresight.

    it’s not alright
    when you invite,
    most impolite,
    a parasite
    into our rite.

    your acts incite
    disdain; no white
    flag stirred invite
    in me tonight.

    an erudite
    would find no plight
    to fear despite
    sparks to ignite
    a long, swift flight.

    at dawn’s grey light –
    you’ll find me quite
    gone. Not in spite,
    but set to write
    a wrong.


    Prompt challenge from another site: Write a poem with each line ending with a different word that rhymes with night. See how many lines you can come up with! 15 words minimum
    Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 02-10-2017, 12:14 AM.

  • #2
    I like this but I think this is a less natural direction for you. It has a politeness and understatement that for me slightly undermines its message. Just as food for thought meant to excite in first paragraph you could use abuse to excite which is more direct.If you want me too I can go through the whole poem and tell you what I would do with it but what I would be looking to do is make it more emotive so the comparison between your reasonable adult approach to relationships has a greater contrast to the manipulative behaviour

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      I think that would be interesting to see Parkinsonspoet. I was trying to maintain a four syllable line count, so that influenced some of my word choices. When I rechecked just now, I had an extra syllable in L3, so adjusted that one.

  • #3
    just a quick reworking tried to retain syllable count but tried to make it more direct.Ifyou wantedit might be worth considering syllable count as some connectives are purely making up the numbers

    We’re Through

    you picked a fight
    last night. and right
    then I knew, sight
    unseen, your bite,
    like your bark, might
    worse than its sleight
    Abuse excite.

    You who delight
    in keeping tight
    eye on full fright
    triggered blight
    There's no foresight.

    it is not right
    when you invite,
    and use your might,
    a parasite
    into our rite.

    your acts incite
    disdain; no white
    flag stirred invite
    in me tonight.

    an erudite
    Finds there's no plight
    to fear despite
    sparks you ignite
    a long, swift flight.

    at dawn’s grey light –
    I'm not in sight
    gone. Not in spite,
    but set to write
    a wrong.


    I tried not to make this mine but tweak it so it remains your voice


    you picked a fight
    last night. and right
    I knew, insight
    unseen, your bite,
    and bark indites
    worse than its sleight
    Abuse excite.

    You who delight
    in keeping tight
    eye on full fright
    triggered blight
    There's no foresight.

    it is not right
    when you invite,
    and use your might,
    a parasite
    into our rite.

    your acts incite
    disdain; no white
    flag stirred invite
    in me tonight.

    an erudite
    Finds there's no plight
    to fear despite
    sparks you ignite
    a long, swift flight.

    at dawn’s grey light –
    I'm not in sight
    gone. Not in spite,
    but set to write
    a wrong.
    Last edited by Parkinsonspoet; 02-09-2017, 10:45 PM. Reason: Edited for extra version to remove words I used that were already in the poem.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      I like a LOT of what you've done here. The other thing I forgot, until I'd read your version that I like so much, is that I had set myself the challenge to not reuse the same exact word - which accounts for some of the stranger phrasing. Honestly, sometimes the strictures I set on myself don't serve me well. I'm trying to learn from that as discipline of that sort, at least without years of experience, isn't always serving me as well as I'd like. Thank you for engaging with this Jon. I appreciate it because it helps me look at this with fresh perspective and understanding.

      It does sound stronger with your tweaks.

    • Parkinsonspoet
      Parkinsonspoet commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you. One thing to watch(this is often my mistake) is who you are speaking to I changed a word to "you" to make it more direct where previously it had "those" it not only makes it more direct but keeps consistency

    • Parkinsonspoet
      Parkinsonspoet commented
      Editing a comment
      I will leave it to you now but I just wanted to solve the doubling up of usage of words I had tried

  • #4
    I must say, you really ran with it!

    I especially liked

    your acts incite
    disdain; no white
    flag stirred invite
    in me tonight.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks Dwayne. Sometimes I try a bit too hard on these challenges, but it is a good way to stretch and grow my poetic muscle.

  • #5
    I thought it was very good and a hard thing to do in my opinion you did the prompt justice. If you don't mind me asking what other poetry site do you use?

    Comment


    • #6
      I was drawn to the same verse as Dwayne. I also loved the use of "write" in V6L4
      This was a difficult challenge and you did it very well. You managed to stay on topic and a great topic it was.
      enjoyed reading

      Comment

      Working...
      X