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dare a boy grow

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  • dare a boy grow

    I wrote this, its jagged and unkempt, I think, but I think I need perspective, so any comments or feedback, mucho appreciated. thanks!

    dare a boy grow

    helpless with no peace and anger,
    the thing hovers about my haloed head --
    I can't imagine it any stranger
    than this: cuddled snake at my stead,
    slithering and hissing and heavy,
    drags the deep sea in its jaws.
    hungrier than we have ever been.

    tortured child unaware of the world
    hurting beneath the lazer gazes,
    to watch you grow and untie the shoes
    and untie the knot the slaves looped.
    your mother is hurting, too, you know,
    your grand mother's thought they knew
    how small we all really are, alone, too.

    mr nike with shoes too big to wear,
    swallow the sun, swallow the moon,
    drag the armor of other's. hungry. fear
    made in you a cathedral, you ran
    into the mousey corner I had always been.
    where does it lead you friend,
    why do you refuse to understand
    because I cant find that it ends,

    or its end is always there, watching.
    afraid of forever, afraid of love.
    watching us. are we really alone?
    hold mother's hand, your tears dry.
    but are they real, are they even real?
    in the mirror we all cry
    to be finally released.

    even her.
    even him.
    even you, and me.

    we do not know, either.

    we only wished
    we did, sometimes.

  • #2
    Not sure how I would advise you, in peace or war. I like your bold, kaleidoscopic imagery, your inventive turns of phrase, your enigmatic tone.


    • #3
      lol thankya ... I appreciate you appreciating this stuff. I know I know, it was bait! but of course any corrections are welcome (anyone).

      I appreciate your words, too. I have been on poemzone since atleast 04 n I only just recently decided to become active more ... critique, critique, gods of beaches. lol xo


      • #4
        The only thing I would query is the use of jagged and umkempt. It seems like a well developed piece so I look forward to learning where this has room for improvement. A great write all I can say is that it is a shame you have only become active on this site recently if this is the unfinished standard of your work hen I look forward to more postings from you.


        • #5
          thank you for the feedback! hehe I Did kinda stumble over those, so you see so you know. elements to maybe improve, ... does the broken rhyme scheme (which is often a theme with me; bad memory or lack of discipline) trip us up, or does it flow better. edit: Those words were used in introducing the poem, so it don't count, right? lol... I will eventually remove the intro...

          I wrote this personally in considering a relationship to a mother whom I sometimes see as handicapping her children. Why does she do this? genetic disposition? lol.

          o I just noticed, those words were on the other poem I wrote very close to this one. atleast I cant find them here.
          I tend to splay my writes over all kinda of media, and sites, so I lose some or tinker more here and there. the discipline is good. anyway, I appreciate the comments.

          may the children of Gaia set themselves free!
          Last edited by amenOra; 01-25-2017, 04:05 AM.


          • #6
            I had to chew on this a lot to digest it. Even now I am unsure if I have absorbed all the available nutrients.

            I think that what you think of as jagged and unkempt may well be the strength of this piece.

            You caught me at V4L3-5
            ​​​​​​"Fear made in you a cathedral, you ran into the mousey corner, I had always been.

            You describe the unreasonable insecurities of childhood, youth... and perhaps adulthood.
            There is a timeless struggle to somehow spare the children from the insecurities adults have grown to dismiss. Yet we watch them hiding in the same corners, blind to the foot prints made by old feet.

            V3L7&8 "Why do you refuse to understand yourself?"

            Eternal question

            ​​​​​​(There is more which I will post shortly at which time I will apologize for my verbosity)


            • #7
              As threatened- more crap.
              As promised- I apologize for my verbosity. However, since it was your beautifully written verse that caused this eruption you should be subjected to the lava flow.

              As the father of adult children with adulting children, I have learned so much. We talk now their youthful fears and insecurities. All the emotions I sought to save them from, all the dark corners I tried to shine a light into.
              We laugh as they struggle to do the same for their children.

              The difference for them is they know they may fail as I did. Even as they forgave me, with this knowledge, they can forgive themselves.

              Best they could- that's what they did. We all do.

              It is not the missteps of our parents or their parents, of greater importance is the adults we are despite or perhaps because of those steps.

              I'm done


              • #8
                Have you ever stood on the edge of a volcanic jagged cliff? Watch the ocean unkempt gash itself against. I'ts beautiful! Thank You Amenora!


                • #9
                  Not personally, the second.

                  Thank you all, I teared up, rhyme time.

                  I wonder if I can Benjamin Button it....