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hi grant hayes i am letting this rain on me .... I see the rubber dots.Have they fallen off> the rubber dots? Or has some else? Who?
Must read again to get to my Epiphany (one of my favorite words)
Are we giving the City Service guys the slip?
Or will I slip? the rain? No runner dots?
Are we looking for Jesus?????????
Ok- reading again.
I like this!
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Dear Grant, Stay on platform to slay another day. Let those who are trained to do a job keep us safe?Comment
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I probably should have pointed out that the 'city service' refers to a scheduled train, and the platform is that of a railway station. I daresay that may clear things up a bit.
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Hello grant, The ranks of rubber falling out of the rain and into the carriages, a slippery endeavour and to do so en mass, warfare and the commute. Excellent, grant. Regards, Tony.Comment
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I couldn t tie the slippery platform, the dots the city service (train) to epiphany or I couldn't connect the dots. I keep going back to the title. Everyone loves a good mystery, obviously.Comment
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Bobby, the little dots are actual little dots of rubber that have been stuck to the surface of the train platform along its edge. Their purpose is to create a grip to stop commuters slipping as they board and alight from the train. But most of them have fallen off. The subject of the poem is running on the platform in the rain, and realizes (his 'epiphany') the absence of the dots underfoot just as a train (the 'city service') approaches and he slips over. The rest is left to the reader's imagination. This situation can be taken at face value, or as a metaphor. The title is ironic.Comment
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I really enjoy endings that are left upto the reader ☺ A fine connection made at the train station.Last edited by lunar glide; 01-25-2017, 09:42 AM.Comment
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I actually took this one at face value for a change Grant. Could even conjure a picture in my head - though I didn't go to a gruesome end - only a minor calamity. Again, I compliment you on the situational awareness that can take perhaps a casual observance and turn it into art. Bravo!
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Hi Rhymist. Originally I ended it at the seventh line 'You're running', which is more suggestive and makes the reader work a little harder. I wondered whether it might qualify as a ha'sonnet. But then I decided to make the sense of imminent calamity more obvious. A weakness is the cultural specificity of 'city service', which makes sense where I'm from, but isn't immediately accessible to those from farther climes.
The central image is drawn directly from real life.
I guess I don't always write riddlingly, but bemuse even so ☺ -
That's OK, it's part of your 'masculine mystique' - gotta' keep the yin/yang alive!
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Hi grant hayes I did recognize the train station immediately and have many times seen the black dots in real life running for a train/subway and certainly as metaphor... telling me to STOP! You are going to slip..... there is an oncoming city service (did not know that term).... scheduled (metaphor).... known! Epiphany!!
BRAVO!!Comment
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Grant by some fluke this was another I understood but it didn't excite me like most of yours do. For me it did not have your stamp on it.A simple concept, straightford language. I disagree that its a bad poem. Lunar Glide said we could recognise the regular poets from their poetry but I would not have guessed at you from this. A good poem and nice read thank you.Comment
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You're right, Parkinsonspoet; it is quite different from my usual fare. It came to me virtually complete as I was actually looking at these patchy dots, in the rain, moving along a platform to catch the 'city service'. It does have enough devices in it to satisfy me that it is, in fact, a poem, so I thought 'Why not share it?' ☺ Thank you for this thoughtful assessment.
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I love the deep simplicity in this. To say so much in so little words is a true feat. You are the poet I aspire to be, grant.Comment
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I seek a more expansive style, Darthvader, and find it very difficult not to compress and lock-step my lines. This, for me, is kind of loose and colloquial - and still simple. I would like to be able to sustain this style over longer pieces. Thank you for dropping by, and for your gracious compliment. -
Maybe you should try this kind of poetry on the fly more often although you must not forsake your gift for compression. I daresay when you strike the right balance your poetry will reach the perfection reserved for immortal masters like mozart or goethe. -
I've managed to put more 'heart' into my poems in recent times, thanks to feedback on the Zone; the other challenge is to do as you suggest here, lunar glide. I will keep working at it, and not 'working' at it
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Been there, a few times!Comment
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