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Ancient transport

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  • Ancient transport


    Freedom started with a key
    Calls upon the ancient power
    Mother Nature alchemy
    Black gold squandered
    By our chariots of technology

    Freedom hurtles towards carnage
    Death is but a blink away
    Speedking belted in bondage
    Benign bang brings saviour balloon
    Brakes not enough when speed of cartridge

    Primal urge allied to machine
    Sorcery transforms to a metal coffin
    Power of horses used to preen
    Jockey failed to control stampede
    Narrow escape fosilisation by gasolene


    This doesnt flow well so I will revisit. Any suggestions welcome. As an idea though this car has legs

    2nd draft


    Freedom started with a key
    Calls upon the ancient power
    Mother Nature alchemy
    Black gold squandered
    By our chariots of technology

    Silence shredded by stereo blare
    Rivals revelry anger abort
    Punks gauntlet gestates dare
    Conference of eyes behind shades
    Passed a motion breakneck compare

    Freedom hurtles to carnage;
    Death, a blink ahead,
    Speed-kinglet belted in bondage; bang
    Fires saviour balloon,
    Brakes bird-shrill blurs passage

    Primal urge allied to machine
    Sorcery transforms to a metal coffin
    Power of horses used to preen
    Jockey failed to control stampede
    Rare escape fosilisation by gasolene



    grant hayes Darthvader RhymeLovingWriter Tony Grannell Thank you all for support and suggestions new draft above
    Last edited by Parkinsonspoet; 01-24-2017, 12:55 PM.

  • #2
    I like it, especially the alliteration in the second stanza:

    "Speedking belted in bondage
    Benign bang brings saviour balloon"

    It makes the small tweeks in the rhythm fit somehow. Well done, Parkinsonspoet

    Comment


    • #3
      "...this car has legs" - you are really witty Jon! I like how you've painted the picture of the power behind one mode of our own destruction. Keep tuning her up - but it rides pretty fine as is.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hello Parkinsonspoet, The mechanics of speeding into the inevitable crash. Great poetry indeed. Regards, Tony.

        Comment


        • #5
          I can see this is in progress, Parkinsonspoet, but you've got some terrific wordcraft here. I agree with Darthvader about the passage highlighted - zestacious, much.

          If you want to sharpen the impact of this poem, try pruning some of the more pedestrian connecting words. For example, 'toward' is too long and tame in S2.L1; try 'Freedom hurtles to carnage'. You can also omit 'is but' in the next line, giving 'Death, a blink away'. The phrase 'not enough' in the last line of this stanza is too tepid; a more colourful word/phrase is needed. And the repetition of 'speed' is not ideal. You can also use line breaks to subtly affect the rhythm.

          Freedom hurtles to carnage;
          Death, a blink ahead,
          Speed-kinglet belted in bondage; bang
          Fires saviour balloon,
          Brakes bird-shrill fast as cartridge.

          Comment

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