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  • My Path

    My Path

    I have been travelling alone:
    So many times I fell and cried,
    So often I have prayed to stone,
    So often found myself in fight.

    Yet to my path I have been true –
    It is impossible to turn!
    I know I have to see it through
    Before to peace I can return.

    And every time I cried in vain –
    It only seemed, for every step
    Had taken me away from pain,
    Each day I drew a sacred map –

    A plan on how to walk this path,
    Which leads us through journey of life
    Where bridge 'tween death and life I cross
    Through overcoming pointless strife.

    Along this path I met with you:
    Taking your hand, as one embraced
    Together we will follow through
    To holy love with which we're graced.

    Along the holy path we walk
    And all we feel is sacred peace
    We've ceased to doubt, and even talk –
    But simply walk to where God is.

    And all we see is holy light
    Which lights the road and guides our way,
    For even in the darkest night
    You, me and God – as one we stay.



    I cannot quite figure out why but this poem seems a little bit uneven to me. Something does not quite flow, even though I keep the meter and endings seem to rhyme. Any critique will be appreciated – I did a couple revisions already, but even this latest version still seems rough.

  • #2
    There are two lines where the rhythm stumbles a bit:

    Stanza 3, line 2 'Which leads us through journey of life'

    Stanza 7, last line 'You, me and God – as one we stay'

    Comment


    • AnatoliyS
      AnatoliyS commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you for your comment, Grant! I've tried, but I feel that I am unable to improve these lines at this point. Need a bit more time and will come back to this. But you are right, these two lines certainly cause my eye brow to raise a bit.

  • #3
    This is reminiscent of a return to Eden. I agree with Grant's comment and might also mention S6L2&4 - peace & is. You could try 'bliss' for L2, though it might change your meaning too much and is still a slant rhyme. Otherwise - nicely reflected!

    Comment


    • AnatoliyS
      AnatoliyS commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, RLW! Personally (even if it sounds like a lame excuse), I quite like when the rhymes are a bit slant. When poets rhyme "caught" with "thoughts", "S" with "Z" sound (like in my case), etc. I feel I'd be too hard on myself not to allow this, when many others are writing in blank verse. But I find rhythm to be very important, as it can easily break the flow when not taken care of.

      As you know, I am very new to poetry, but as I read a big compilation of poems I bought (something like "The Best Poems of English Language"), I can't stop to wonder how many poems have completely broken, nonsensical rhythm and how many poems seem to be prose randomly broken down into lines! lol

      I know, I know, I'm likely to learn to appreciate them at some point. But I read Shakespeare, I read some poets in this forum (whom I consider BETTER than most celebrated poets I read so far), and then I read Whitman and think: "Wait, what??? This is the guy critics are so rave about???"
      Last edited by AnatoliyS; 01-28-2017, 06:43 AM.

    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Ha! Ha! Then you have adopted a much more studied approach than I have Anatoliy! I tend to stumble upon the poetry I digest - unless a fellow poet has mentioned or recommended a specific poem or poet.

      I only made my comment because of yours at the bottom, about flow, and I know what you mean about wanting to get that right - as much as the words.

      I've heard over and over again the encouragement from other poets in the zone that in the end - you must go with what YOU feel is right. It's probably one of the reasons I don't tinker with my poems too terribly much. The flip side of that is that when others have made suggestions, particularly those who have been writing so much longer than I have, my pieces have also been improved. So it's a both/and.

      I have had the same feelings as you describe at times - something along the lines of 'if THIS is good poetry then I am never going to get it' - and then I've read authors whose words resonate deeply (many here in the zone). I should probably start keeping track of who, what, where, and when - so I can add details to my comments - I'm not there yet. If it becomes too much like hard study I lose the joy.
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