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Pretty Lady in Sales

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  • Pretty Lady in Sales

    From her beautiful hand,
    I see it dangle.
    Just out of my reach,
    Thick paper rectangle.

    Proudly displaying,
    Her contact information.
    It’s all part of the game,
    The art of presentation.

    Vague business slogan;
    “Innovate Success”.
    Fancy job title,
    Short email address.

    Stepping forward
    I accept the card.
    Return her smile,
    Yet stay on guard

    High heels and short skirt,
    Makeup perfect like her nails.
    These are her weapons.
    Pretty lady in sales.

    (I haven't written anything in a long time but the idea for this poem popped into my head and I thought I would give it a spin. It is not horrible but I feel it needs work. Any feedback to improve it will be greatly appreciated. )

  • #2
    I think this is well written. I felt the inspiration right from the beginning and also thought the last two stanzas were strong. I'm no good at advice but if you are considering edits I would tinker with the second and third stanzas. or as it is works for me.
    Last edited by lunar glide; 12-30-2016, 03:12 PM.

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    • #3
      I like it just the way it is. Its truth is indisputable

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      • #4
        Good rhymes and nice flow, EJ! If anything I would look at syllable count as some lines seem to stretch more than the rest. But that is minor.
        Last edited by Muttado1sb; 12-30-2016, 06:06 PM.

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        • #5
          Thanks for the feedback everyone. I agree about the line counts. That needs more work. But on rereading it I realize that I started out writing about the business card and then ended up focusing on the sales lady. Some of the stanzas are from the early edits about the business card and others are about the sales lady. So I think I need to make the two mesh better. Focus more on the lady giving the business card, if possible.

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          • Muttado1sb
            Muttado1sb commented
            Editing a comment
            I thought the focus change from card to person was done purposely and liked how that worked. I've been in business meetings where people came to me with their cards out as part of their introduction to me, so that was the flow: card then person. So maybe the focus transition could be smoother, but in the reality of the situation it's usually quick.

        • #6
          Electron John, you have successfully captured an elemental truth. the last stanza says it all.

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          • #7
            I like the way you moved from the card to the person. It left me wondering - did you buy?

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