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  • Adrit

    Hey guys
    I would really like your guidance. I'm not sure if this is poetry or just thoughts arranged to look like poetry. No rhythm, no rhyme. Just words that tumbled out. Please tell me what you really think


    She sails upon an ocean undiscovered ,
    uncharted galaxies of time and space ,
    haunting darkness, brilliant illumination.
    Either way a shadow is cast .

    I sail upon an ocean undiscovered ,
    uncharted galaxies of time and space,
    haunting darkness, brilliant illumination.
    Either way a shadow is cast .

    Once we manned the sails together
    Charted our own course.
    Then the storms, the storms,
    The storms .

    Oceans undiscovered, galaxies uncharted
    neither light nor darkness , only shadows.
    Once we sailed.
    Now only adrift.

  • #2
    Well, it's a fairly good attempt but I have one problem with it... the repetition. The second verse looks like an exact replica of the first and I would suggest to change some words of it. The third verse however... why is "the storms" used three times? There really was no need for that in my opinion.

    Another thing, poetry can be poetry even without any rhymes in place, as long as everything's coherent from start to finish. Maybe the same for rhythm too, I don't know. I would suggest to rewrite it and then hopefully it'll shine better than the original.

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    • #3
      It's the repetition that makes it poetic, in my opinion. It feels like a ritual utterance, possibly a lyric. The absolute equivalence of first and second stanzas, bar one pronoun, might work if sung, but doesn't ring my bells in such a short piece. The concept is good, and the imagery too.

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I like the threefold 'the storms' - it comes across as a painful memory.

    • #4
      Well yes, I can agree with the imagery provided as well as the concept but, I personally think it should be done a little bit better. That's probably just how I see it. Let's see what the others have to say.

      Comment


      • #5
        You guys are great
        Thanks so much. I cannot wait to see if others will offer. I truly appreciate you and your thoughts
        Thank you

        Comment


        • #6
          repitition can convey feeling and that's what people respond to in art and one of your strengths rhymetime. without making a specific suggestion I would ask you : did you blow yourself away with what you wrote? if your answer is equivocal then you most likely should strain for better words to honor your subject which I think is worthy! if your answer is yes then don't let anyone push the frog back into your throat.

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          • #7
            rhymetime it's free verse writing. You get many points for giving it a shot. Look at it as a stepping stone to further your writing evolution. Leave it as is and keep the space open for the next one. Knowing you, you will master this style in no time at all.

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            • #8
              Suggested tinker

              We
              sailed upon an ocean undiscovered, she and I,
              uncharted galaxies of time and space,
              haunting darkness, brilliant illumination.
              Either way a shadow was cast .

              Once we manned the sails together
              Charted our own course.
              Then the storms, the storms,
              The storms .

              Oceans undiscovered, galaxies uncharted
              neither light nor darkness , only shadows.
              Once we sailed.
              Now only adrift.

              Comment


              • #9
                Hello rhymetime, as it is, a very fine poem for a first draft and to leave it so, still enjoyed. Two words came to me in the reading, doubt (uncharted) and twilight (shadow). I would nervously (as I tread tenderly) suggest the last line of the first and second stanzas to read, 'Either way in twilight cast', as in a state of mind - doubt, the unknown. Concerning the last stanza I would delete,
                'only shadows.
                Once we sailed.
                Now only adrift.'
                and replace it with one word, adrift, punctuated with an ellipsis. I'm probably completely and utterly way off the mark, as I usually am - ha ha! Do take care now and the best of luck with this one, Tony.

                Comment


                • #10
                  You brave, brave soul, rhymetime!

                  I definitely get the theme of voyage, together, trouble, then apart - and like your word choices - particularly S1L3&4 'haunting darkness, brilliant illumination - either way a shadow was cast.' To me, that is a good use of foreshadowing, even in this short poem, to telegraph things were doomed from the start. But then, in S3, you have to try, right? Until you're torn apart by storms - not just one conflict, but continuous, overwhelming forces. The three-fold repetition works there for me too.

                  I like the reworked paraphrase of S4L1&2 - they signal what I call a 'bookend' (not a real literary term, just something I use to describe how the end of a poem mirrors its start).

                  I like Grant's tinker of combining the first two stanzas into one. It sets the stage you want I think w/out as much exact repetition. I also like Tony's suggestion for the last stanza - since 'adrift' is the main idea and set off by itself with ellipsis would give you both the word and visual for impact.

                  Lastly - I agree with the others that it's very important that is says what YOU want it to say. It's always a pleasure to read your poetry!

                  Comment


                  • #11
                    I cannot thank you all enough, just the kind of guidance I appreciate. I promise to carefully consider and repost. I hope you all will reread

                    Love and thanks
                    Last edited by rhymetime; 11-29-2016, 03:21 PM.

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                    • #12
                      rt, is this the first time you tried a non-rhyming poem?! It is definitely poetic! You have repetition, you have metaphor, and despite what you think, it is infused with a rhythm as I read it. Writing free verse is liberating. I applaud your effort to expand your poetic endeavors! Do continue experimenting. I found this to be a successful foray!

                      Comment


                      • RhymeLovingWriter
                        RhymeLovingWriter commented
                        Editing a comment
                        He knows of what he speaks rt - gave the same advice to me early on - and I'm so thankful too!

                    • #13
                      Hello! I'm sorry, that is not the topic! I really like your forum! Thank you, I'm with you)
                      Last edited by next482; 01-02-2017, 10:42 AM.

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