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Last edited by Pyro; 06-29-2018, 07:24 AM. Reason: I'm a Fool for poetry ;) https://www.munsterlit.ie/Fool%20for%20Poetry.html -
Lovely to read your verse again Pyro. This sings throughout, with heavenly allusion, and yet that old Sun and Moon have drafted the Raven to keep us up and do their bidding. Yet, it is not so bad - when you turn out a piece like this - which gifts us all!
In fact, I'd say it is very, very good.
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Wonderful mood and sense of the uncanny, Pyro, with an interesting structure and musical cadence. The only note that seemed out of place in this - for me - was the word 'adheres', which seems dissonantly technical and Latinate amongst all the conjuration in good, plain English. Even the word 'insomnia' itself sits a bit awry with the rest of the diction here - a polysyllabic diagnostic term that sort of sticks out amid lots of plain one and two syllable words.Comment
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I agree. Wonderful mood
! 'Calls out to the raven
and the spell of crave ' <<this almost rhyme here i love!!
Might you use something like : 'sleepless nights for years' or insomnia feared? Leered, jeered....in place of insomnia adheres Pyro or would that change your essence? Trash these if you would like.... These words came tumbling down to me or perhaps it was your Raven that whispered to me?? e
Regardless...
She knows.
It's in the evening breeze.
When I feel the evening breeze later, i will think of your poem! -
Oh grant hayes ... you kept me up at night. That line bothered me before, but I was willing to let it be. But then I noticed how damn right you are (as usual) and I couldn't let it go...
So in the end I came up with these (should have read Suz-zen 's comment before altering though: to leer and to jeer... I need to write anther poem, these verbs are compelling).
I didn't touch 'Insomnia' in the last verse as it was supposed to be the original subject/title for the poem, but I hope it doesn't stand out too much.
I'm not sure if I managed to improve anything, but the syllable count makes more sense now (my first time counting!) and in my search for a solution i did discover 'musica universalis', so I couldn't be more content at the moment. THANK YOU so much for reading, commenting and helping me grow.
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The Sun, the moon, and perhaps the raven, have been the subject of many poetic endeavors, but this one seems unique, and thus a poetic tour de force! Well done, Pyro!
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