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  • Entwine

    Deleted
    Last edited by grant hayes; 12-15-2017, 06:00 PM.

  • #2
    The first word was originally 'Enswine', a neologism - as far as I'm aware - meaning 'turn into a pig', here expressing flagrant, earthy wallowing, and also a nod to Circe in the Odyssey.

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    • #3
      As always yor command of words conjures up images so vivid you could almost be there. I feelthis lady is on a few of the dating sites I tried.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        She is a force to be reckoned with, Parkinsonspoet, wherever she appears ☺

    • #4
      Yeowzer! grant hayes ! Shall you run away or toward her? Guess it depends on your particular taste proclivities?

      i really like this part:
      Drink! She sailors you
      To her siren teeth
      And tapers to feed



      'sailors' as a verb here is wonderful!
      ... a nod to Odysseus? Circe would be proud in her necro-feelings!

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        She does sound quite formidable, Suz-zen, but it's all to my taste. Yes, the Odysseus references are definitely there, and I'm always up for turning verbs into nouns, or vice versa.

        My original first word 'Enswine' was a more obvious nod to Circe.

        I wanted to evoke a kind of reckless indulgence with this piece.

      • Suz-zen
        Suz-zen commented
        Editing a comment
        ...and you succeeded straight away! I read this again and enjoyed it even more this time. Enswine works very well! I like this word!!

    • #5
      Full of double meaning, surgical diction, as always.

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      • #6
        Yes, bodies were definitely operated on here, Dwayne. Many thanks for dropping by, sir!

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        • DWAYNE
          DWAYNE commented
          Editing a comment
          Unfortunately, I have been ill. Sometimes you think you have a thing beat but then...

        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          I gather you have been in the wars lately, Dwayne. I wish you strength and blessing, and the consolation of the God of your heart.

        • AlexandratheLate
          AlexandratheLate commented
          Editing a comment
          Me too Dwayne - wishing you health and happiness.

      • #7
        She sounds like a siren and he's at her mercy. Even when writing about a person making a pig of themselves you do it with eloquence and grace, Grant. I wish I had your finesse.

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        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          Finesse - that is a word I like very much, Alexandra. How to express raw feelings and actions with the right 'music': that is the challenge.

      • #8
        Ten lines - five syllables each - each more vivid and wickedly tantalizing than the last! I too, love the use of 'sailor' as verb. I don't believe I've ever read the Odyssey - but I now want to.

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        • #9
          Fifty syllables, yes, a regular pentekonter this one is, Rhymist, cutting through the wine-dark sea to perils unknown.

          I had a few more lines on the end, that finished things, as it were, but I decided on suspense instead.

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        • #10
          I have noted your response on the poem 'Black and Red', so I appreciate the approach to punctuation is a deliberate stylistic choice and it's never my intention to impose my preferred aesthetic or style upon another poet - although I do think it would make things a little more easier to take in and appreciate.

          The lyricism I noted in the aforementioned poem isn't so apparent here; perhaps one of the restrictions of writing in syllabics is that it limits some of your options. I would say that the sentence fragments throughout this poem are the biggest barrier in the way of truly appreciating the imagery. I think you could get away with 'Entwine!' if the title gave us something more to grasp, but 'baptising / Your need in her slick' isn't working for me. It's a lot less effective than your verb-as-noun approach with 'She sailors you', and I cannot parse 'Not poets’ lucent' for the life of me.
          While some might flag 'baptising / Your need' as an abstraction, I think you just about get away with it in context here.

          I'd probably hyphenate 'liquor peppered' as a compound adjective, and it's an even nicer phrase that way for me.

          I think that the clearest imagery comes in the final three lines with the more conventional sentence structure, especially if the final line is read as 'and (then) tapers to feed'; it's a very evocative idea calling upon my (limited) mythological understanding.

          I definitely think this poem has a lot of potential if you're willing to work at it.

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          • #11
            Ich weiß nicht, was soll es bedeuten, Daß ich so traurig bin

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            • RhymeLovingWriter
              RhymeLovingWriter commented
              Editing a comment
              John - you are back?? Hurrah!

            • John Wertz
              John Wertz commented
              Editing a comment
              Not entirely sure. But noticed Grant's post and found an interesting parallel with the Lorelie of Heinrich Heine, so wanted to comment. Good to hear from you.

          • #12
            Hi John, thanks for dropping by and for the Heine Yes, I can see Lorelei in this, for sure. I hope you're doing well, sir.

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