Tweet
Deleted
-
Last edited by grant hayes; 12-15-2017, 05:00 PM. -
The first word was originally 'Enswine', a neologism - as far as I'm aware - meaning 'turn into a pig', here expressing flagrant, earthy wallowing, and also a nod to Circe in the Odyssey.
-
As always yor command of words conjures up images so vivid you could almost be there. I feelthis lady is on a few of the dating sites I tried.Comment
-
Yeowzer! grant hayes ! Shall you run away or toward her? Guess it depends on your particular taste proclivities?
i really like this part:
Drink! She sailors you
To her siren teeth
And tapers to feed
'sailors' as a verb here is wonderful!
... a nod to Odysseus? Circe would be proud in her necro-feelings!Comment
-
She does sound quite formidable, Suz-zen, but it's all to my taste. Yes, the Odysseus references are definitely there, and I'm always up for turning verbs into nouns, or vice versa.
My original first word 'Enswine' was a more obvious nod to Circe.
I wanted to evoke a kind of reckless indulgence with this piece.
-
-
Full of double meaning, surgical diction, as always.Comment
-
Yes, bodies were definitely operated on here, Dwayne. Many thanks for dropping by, sir!Comment
-
She sounds like a siren and he's at her mercy. Even when writing about a person making a pig of themselves you do it with eloquence and grace, Grant. I wish I had your finesse.Comment
-
Ten lines - five syllables each - each more vivid and wickedly tantalizing than the last! I too, love the use of 'sailor' as verb. I don't believe I've ever read the Odyssey - but I now want to.Comment
-
Fifty syllables, yes, a regular pentekonter this one is, Rhymist, cutting through the wine-dark sea to perils unknown.
I had a few more lines on the end, that finished things, as it were, but I decided on suspense instead.Comment
-
I have noted your response on the poem 'Black and Red', so I appreciate the approach to punctuation is a deliberate stylistic choice and it's never my intention to impose my preferred aesthetic or style upon another poet - although I do think it would make things a little more easier to take in and appreciate.
The lyricism I noted in the aforementioned poem isn't so apparent here; perhaps one of the restrictions of writing in syllabics is that it limits some of your options. I would say that the sentence fragments throughout this poem are the biggest barrier in the way of truly appreciating the imagery. I think you could get away with 'Entwine!' if the title gave us something more to grasp, but 'baptising / Your need in her slick' isn't working for me. It's a lot less effective than your verb-as-noun approach with 'She sailors you', and I cannot parse 'Not poets’ lucent' for the life of me.
While some might flag 'baptising / Your need' as an abstraction, I think you just about get away with it in context here.
I'd probably hyphenate 'liquor peppered' as a compound adjective, and it's an even nicer phrase that way for me.
I think that the clearest imagery comes in the final three lines with the more conventional sentence structure, especially if the final line is read as 'and (then) tapers to feed'; it's a very evocative idea calling upon my (limited) mythological understanding.
I definitely think this poem has a lot of potential if you're willing to work at it.
Comment
-
Ich weiß nicht, was soll es bedeuten, Daß ich so traurig binComment
-
Hi John, thanks for dropping by and for the Heine
Yes, I can see Lorelei in this, for sure. I hope you're doing well, sir.
Comment
Comment