Entwine

[grant hayes]

Hi John, thanks for dropping by and for the Heine Yes, I can see Lorelei in this, for sure. I hope you're doing well, sir.

[John Wertz]

Not entirely sure. But noticed Grant's post and found an interesting parallel with the Lorelie of Heinrich Heine, so wanted to comment. Good to hear from you.

[RhymeLovingWriter]

John - you are back?? Hurrah!

[John Wertz]

Ich weiß nicht, was soll es bedeuten, Daß ich so traurig bin

[grant hayes]

She is a force to be reckoned with, Parkinsonspoet, wherever she appears ☺

[RhymeLovingWriter]

Good call.

[MrY]

I have noted your response on the poem 'Black and Red', so I appreciate the approach to punctuation is a deliberate stylistic choice and it's never my intention to impose my preferred aesthetic or style upon another poet - although I do think it would make things a little more easier to take in and appreciate.

The lyricism I noted in the aforementioned poem isn't so apparent here; perhaps one of the restrictions of writing in syllabics is that it limits some of your options. I would say that the sentence fragments throughout this poem are the biggest barrier in the way of truly appreciating the imagery. I think you could get away with 'Entwine!' if the title gave us something more to grasp, but 'baptising / Your need in her slick' isn't working for me. It's a lot less effective than your verb-as-noun approach with 'She sailors you', and I cannot parse 'Not poets’ lucent' for the life of me.
While some might flag 'baptising / Your need' as an abstraction, I think you just about get away with it in context here.

I'd probably hyphenate 'liquor peppered' as a compound adjective, and it's an even nicer phrase that way for me.

I think that the clearest imagery comes in the final three lines with the more conventional sentence structure, especially if the final line is read as 'and (then) tapers to feed'; it's a very evocative idea calling upon my (limited) mythological understanding.

I definitely think this poem has a lot of potential if you're willing to work at it.

[grant hayes]

Fifty syllables, yes, a regular pentekonter this one is, Rhymist, cutting through the wine-dark sea to perils unknown.

I had a few more lines on the end, that finished things, as it were, but I decided on suspense instead.

[grant hayes]

Finesse - that is a word I like very much, Alexandra. How to express raw feelings and actions with the right 'music': that is the challenge.

[RhymeLovingWriter]

Ten lines - five syllables each - each more vivid and wickedly tantalizing than the last! I too, love the use of 'sailor' as verb. I don't believe I've ever read the Odyssey - but I now want to.

[AlexandratheLate]

Me too Dwayne - wishing you health and happiness.

[AlexandratheLate]

She sounds like a siren and he's at her mercy. Even when writing about a person making a pig of themselves you do it with eloquence and grace, Grant. I wish I had your finesse.

[grant hayes]

I gather you have been in the wars lately, Dwayne. I wish you strength and blessing, and the consolation of the God of your heart.

[DWAYNE]

Unfortunately, I have been ill. Sometimes you think you have a thing beat but then...

[Suz-zen]

...and you succeeded straight away! I read this again and enjoyed it even more this time. Enswine works very well! I like this word!!