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  • grant hayes
    replied
    Hi John, thanks for dropping by and for the Heine Yes, I can see Lorelei in this, for sure. I hope you're doing well, sir.

    Leave a comment:


  • John Wertz
    commented on 's reply
    Not entirely sure. But noticed Grant's post and found an interesting parallel with the Lorelie of Heinrich Heine, so wanted to comment. Good to hear from you.

  • RhymeLovingWriter
    commented on 's reply
    John - you are back?? Hurrah!

  • John Wertz
    replied
    Ich weiß nicht, was soll es bedeuten, Daß ich so traurig bin

    Leave a comment:


  • grant hayes
    commented on 's reply
    She is a force to be reckoned with, Parkinsonspoet, wherever she appears ☺

  • RhymeLovingWriter
    commented on 's reply
    Good call.

  • MrY
    replied
    I have noted your response on the poem 'Black and Red', so I appreciate the approach to punctuation is a deliberate stylistic choice and it's never my intention to impose my preferred aesthetic or style upon another poet - although I do think it would make things a little more easier to take in and appreciate.

    The lyricism I noted in the aforementioned poem isn't so apparent here; perhaps one of the restrictions of writing in syllabics is that it limits some of your options. I would say that the sentence fragments throughout this poem are the biggest barrier in the way of truly appreciating the imagery. I think you could get away with 'Entwine!' if the title gave us something more to grasp, but 'baptising / Your need in her slick' isn't working for me. It's a lot less effective than your verb-as-noun approach with 'She sailors you', and I cannot parse 'Not poets’ lucent' for the life of me.
    While some might flag 'baptising / Your need' as an abstraction, I think you just about get away with it in context here.

    I'd probably hyphenate 'liquor peppered' as a compound adjective, and it's an even nicer phrase that way for me.

    I think that the clearest imagery comes in the final three lines with the more conventional sentence structure, especially if the final line is read as 'and (then) tapers to feed'; it's a very evocative idea calling upon my (limited) mythological understanding.

    I definitely think this poem has a lot of potential if you're willing to work at it.

    Leave a comment:


  • grant hayes
    replied
    Fifty syllables, yes, a regular pentekonter this one is, Rhymist, cutting through the wine-dark sea to perils unknown.

    I had a few more lines on the end, that finished things, as it were, but I decided on suspense instead.

    Leave a comment:


  • grant hayes
    commented on 's reply
    Finesse - that is a word I like very much, Alexandra. How to express raw feelings and actions with the right 'music': that is the challenge.

  • RhymeLovingWriter
    replied
    Ten lines - five syllables each - each more vivid and wickedly tantalizing than the last! I too, love the use of 'sailor' as verb. I don't believe I've ever read the Odyssey - but I now want to.

    Leave a comment:


  • AlexandratheLate
    commented on 's reply
    Me too Dwayne - wishing you health and happiness.

  • AlexandratheLate
    replied
    She sounds like a siren and he's at her mercy. Even when writing about a person making a pig of themselves you do it with eloquence and grace, Grant. I wish I had your finesse.

    Leave a comment:


  • grant hayes
    commented on 's reply
    I gather you have been in the wars lately, Dwayne. I wish you strength and blessing, and the consolation of the God of your heart.

  • DWAYNE
    commented on 's reply
    Unfortunately, I have been ill. Sometimes you think you have a thing beat but then...

  • Suz-zen
    commented on 's reply
    ...and you succeeded straight away! I read this again and enjoyed it even more this time. Enswine works very well! I like this word!!
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