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Grandma and the Angels

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  • Grandma and the Angels


    Unruly limbs and curls that flow
    5 years old ready to grow
    My Grandma is my champion
    Mums rules she loves tampering

    Grandma sits as though on a throne
    To everyone her wisdom known
    Grandma loving caring kind
    To all my faults Grandma blind

    Then came the day I rushed in
    Grandma sleeping pale skin
    She didn't wake is it a game
    Sleeping lions I can tame

    Grandmas hand cold to touch
    Grandma you sleep too much
    Using a blanket to keep her warm
    Still siting rigid as I touch her arm

    Mum bursts ineyes full of tears
    A memory for all my years
    Shes gone she says giving me a hug
    Shes gone repeats standing on the rug

    Mum says she is now living in angels care
    But Mum can't you see her she is right there
    Her body said Mum but Grandma is at peace
    Her life over itwas her time to cease

    Confused shes here I say look in her chair
    Grandma looks back with closed eye stare
    I haven't discovered there is no more breath
    My first experience of a family death

  • #2
    Wow Madeline! Powerful in its poignancy. Your grandmother sounds like a very special part of your life.

    Comment


    • Madeline
      Madeline commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you
      My Grandma was indeed very special but although I have drawn on real momories and feelings the poem is not autobiographical and I have not been through the situation above.I have read a coupleother poemms recently that prompted this.My aim was to illustrate a childs confusion.At an early children(apart from too many unlucky ones) have not had the chance to define death for themselves The loss of a relative or pet can open up a mismatch between adult and child realities.

  • #3
    Madeline sorry for your loss. Grandma is with her angels no doubt.

    Comment


    • Madeline
      Madeline commented
      Editing a comment
      Bobby thank you for your compassion.but the poem is not autobiographical. Please see my comments to RLW above

  • #4
    Hi, Madeline,

    The essence of your poem is wonderful. A diamond in the rough.
    The first line is magnetic. It caught my attention immediately, in a good way.

    Your style in this poem, to me at least, is highly reminiscent of the fine work of Parkinsonspoet, to whom I refer you.

    I do have some suggestions for you, which I could post here or in a private message to you (or not at all, I am not the Sensei!).
    Please let me know which you prefer.

    Comment


    • Madeline
      Madeline commented
      Editing a comment
      MHenry you are not Grant which is good because you have your own voice and everyones voice is valid, here is fine

  • #5
    Caveat: I am not a critic, and I am not qualified to be a critic. This is just my own personal opinion...
    And as I said above, your work here has much merit at its heart.

    My Grandma is my champion
    Mums rules she loves tampering


    I feel that the second line here is forced.
    If you weren't trying to rhyme, you might have said

    She loves tampering with mum's rules

    There are other examples of forced rhyme in this piece

    Grandma sits as though on a throne
    To everyone her wisdom known


    Without the rhyme, you might say...

    Everyone knows of her wisdom

    Rhyming for rhyming's sake is not necessarily a good thing, unless done well.

    The cure for forced rhyme is to either try harder for unforced rhymes, or to forget about rhymes altogether and go for lexical elegance instead.

    Personally, I would rather read lexical elegance than rhyme, unless the rhyme is unforced and, well, elegant.

    If I could summarize what I would like to see in this particular piece, it would be to lose the rhymes altogether and go for lexical elegance. Polish, polish, polish until it shines.

    Comment


    • Madeline
      Madeline commented
      Editing a comment
      Not a critic bout 100% on the mark yes those rhymes are forced-food for thought. Thank you
      Last edited by Madeline; 08-26-2016, 01:00 AM.
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