Pretty Little Girl

[MHenry]

Pretty Little Girl

Pretty little girl
Look in the mirror
Right side
Left side
Such a pretty little girl

Now, go look at grandma
Do you see yourself?
Where is grandma?
Is she in the kitchen?
Is she in bed?

Grandma got sick
Last night she fell
An ambulance came
Mommy says
Grandma went to heaven

Pretty little girl
Look in the mirror
Right side
Left side
Such a pretty little girl

[RhymeLovingWriter]

OK MHenry, now you're going to give ME nightmares! I should have waited until morning to read this gripper! This is a 'no mercy' poem for women hoping to age gracefully and maybe outwit their genes. Can't be done.

[MHenry]

I was going to wait until morning to post this, but because of the sweeping sill, I thought I should post it tonight! I hope you don't have nightmares! Thanks for braving this one, RLW! Sweet dreams!

[grant hayes]

The childlike diction of the first two stanzas (reprised at the end) should be sustained, I think, through the whole piece. The shift toward more matter-of-fact diction through stanzas third and fourth sort of breaks the spell, and not in a good way. I think the scene and description of the grandmother lying dead in her own shit - in terms of word choice - seems gratuitous, senseless. Why? It's almost as if the little girl is being punished for simple play. I understand wanting to use the girl's innocence to build a sense of creepiness, but the touch should remain light and suggestive for that effect to work. As it stands, the technical-sounding 'defecation' seems out-of-place and sledge-hammer-like, when a scalpel is called for, and a glimpse, rather than explicit tell-all.

More editing needed, though I suspect I may speak alone. Your take-no-prisoners slamdunk is much beloved, Maestro. I mean, I love it too, but here it struck a dissonant note.

[MHenry]

No doubt, this is a harsh turnabout, grant, Sensei, which is what I was going for, and it may not appeal to many. It is undoubtedly a horror show in the vein of Chucky and that ilk. I wanted the maximum contrast possible, so the dissonance is by design.

I hear you about breaking the spell with the third and fourth stanzas. I imagine I could still make it creepy in a more subtle way, but once my mind takes a turn, there is usually no going back. Think of a runaway truck coming to a fork in the road. To me, this just isn't the same piece with grandma passing away quietly in bed with a smile on her face and a rose in her hand. I am not sure I know how to do this differently in a way that would appeal to me.

In any case, I always respect and value your views and perspective on the works posted here, and gratefully accept the constructive criticism of my work in particular. I have learned much from you over these months.

----

As posted elsewhere, a good night's sleep, further reflection, and proper guidance has resulted in a milder version of the nightmare.
Thank you, RLW, and grant, Sensei, for you constant support and counsel.

[RhymeLovingWriter]

Yes, it is still reflective - w/o the gratuitous shock factor. Well done.

[lunar glide]

hmmmm I never got to read the first version but this one works! if I were to dwell on the horrors of aging I would be inconsolable. well done as always. I'm graduating you to grandmaestro -nothing to do with age 😄

[MHenry]

Wow, thank you, lg! If I had left the first version, perhaps you would have demoted me instead!

[Tanner]

My father died at 81. too much hard living of smoking and drinking, after my mother went into a state mental hospital for depression and stayed there for the last 11 years of her life.
At 78 he said to me, "I don't know what happened; I just got old". I didn't know what he meant; now I sure as hell do! This is a G version? MHenry, you are most liberal and generous
with your ratings. At this point in my life, I replay a lot of memories - not regrets for the past, but wonder about how much I have learned over the years about my relationships with
people close to me.

[MHenry]

In comparison to the other version, which was really a horror show, this is child's play! Thanks for engaging!

[rhymetime]

Tanner I love your reflection here!!!

[Madeline]

Wonder how much you have learned? It sounds like you are aware of lessons but perhaps even if the learning is too late for you you can share wisdom with others. Somebody might listen you never know.

[rhymetime]

As an old Hospice nurse I have set by many beds, held many hands, spent many hours with families and children.
What I saw here was the dy%ing grandmother's last vision of herself, young, beautiful and innocent.

[RhymeLovingWriter]

What an absolutely beautiful interpretation rhymetime - I'm so thankful you shared it! It would not have occurred to me - but fits perfectly!

[MHenry]

Thank you, rt, that is indeed a wonderful interpretation!

[AlexandratheLate]

This is more like through a child's eyes MH. but I liked rhymetimes interpretation of this. It's lovely in it's sad inevitability :-)

[MHenry]

Hi, AG, Yes, rt's interpretation is terrific. I am glad he shared it with us! Thanks for the look and the like!

[Madeline]

I like this Mhenry. I saw the first version and it confused me a little as it seemed to speak with two voices but it did partially cause me to write Grandma and Angels.Interesting though and I would lie to ask grant hayes if he would do me the same courtesy with any of my poems.I do not need an ego boost have a large one already but my poetry has room for improvement so please bear that in mind when making comments.

[MHenry]

Hi, Madeline, Thank you so much for joining in the conversation! I read your work, and I will go back and comment, although I am not the Sensei!

The first version of Pretty Little Girl was one voice in my mind, but it sounded like two voices to the reader. Grant, Sensei, persuaded me, after I had a good night's sleep and after further consideration, one voice or two, that the overly harsh and unnecessary discordance was off-putting and deleterious to the piece. I was able to soften the blow while retaining the essence of the write, which makes me happy.

I did feel that my poem might have influenced yours, and am glad to know that is the case. I hope you will feel inclined to comment on my works and the works of others more frequently, as you will be rewarded with much attention to your work in return. Off I go now to reread your Grandma piece and share my reaction.

[RhymeLovingWriter]

This process, this back and forth, and learning from the kind and honest feedback of others, is one of the things I most appreciate about the zone. Thank you, poet friends.

[Suz-zen]

Hi MHenry , i like this!I did not get top see the earlier version. I would like to though!

As i read this, before the comments, I saw a little girl, the granddaughter looking at her grandmother....attempting find or to see herself in her grandmother's face. Where is the connection? Will she look like this some day years from now when she is old and dying?? And maybe she had seen the 'little girl' in her grandmother when they had played when she was small and laughed and loved one another. I felt the grandmother and the girl were communicating, not verbally , on another level as the grandmother was preparing to depart.

When I got to the following lines:

Grandma got sick
Last night she fell
An ambulance came
Mommy says
Grandma went to...................

I full well expected HELL!!

Was a but disappointed it was Heaven.... not the typical MH end!

[MHenry]

Hi, Suz-zen,

With a comment like this, you certainly deserve to the see the earlier version, which was more in line with Hell than Heaven!
I will happily and gratefully send it to you in PM hoping to have your honest reaction.

It is interesting to know what you see in this poem. It is, of course, open to interpretation.

Here is what the author sees...

An unseen narrator, perhaps the devil on the little girl's shoulder, is doing a voice-over and actually telling the little girl what to do. Like the pretty little girl she is, she obeys. The narrator wants her to take a good look in the mirror and see how pretty she is. Then, he wants her to go look at grandma to see what she is going to look like in 75 years, or so. But where is grandma? In the original version, the devil is still speaking and has a nasty little surprise for the pretty little girl. I ended it with the refrain so the audience would have a chance to reorient themselves after what was intended to be a shock to their senses.

In the expurgated version, the little girl seems to be controlling her thoughts and actions.

I believe the expurgated version still accomplishes what I intended to accomplish, but in a more subtle fashion.

Thank you so much for engaging to such a degree with this poem. These kinds of reactions encourage writers to keep writing, and to have confidence in their ability to occasionally write something of value.

[Suz-zen]

Hi MHenry, i just wrote to you my thoughts! I was not disappointed.

The beauty of poetry is the varied interpretations!
O! how can one not feast on the many courses of verse; in the hot the spicy the dismal or delights? Get me a linen napkin and a fork !