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The First Time.

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  • The First Time.


    The first time I showed him my poetry he told me it was beautiful like the way my face shines when I look up at the sun and he said that knew it came from deep within me.


    The second time I showed him my poetry he told me to try just a little bit harder and he knew that I would make a good piece if I did just so.


    The third time I showed him my poetry he told me he wished I wrote like I used to because they're getting worse. Not knowing that the words on the paper was my soul spilling out of my body forcing me to be vulnerable and naked to everyone who read it. But I guess I need to start writing like I used to.


    Shallow and protected and only on the surface not even my toe into the waters of my emotions because I never really wanted to let myself be that open.


  • #2
    a lovely story of growth and awareness of superficial and shallow love...

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    • #3
      If you don't know this, we are among the most vulnerable people are on earth. If it were not for anomnimity I would never share beyond my children and spouse. I try to appreciate negative feedback but it is hard. I can't promise you that this community is the best place to get critique (I have decided there may not be such a place, many forums are occupied by frightened pseudo intellectuals) I can promise you that you are safe here. Here you will meet beginners, average poets and thinkers, and brilliant wordsmiths. But your emotions and observations will be safe.

      Be gentle with us we are fragile.

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        Beautifully said, rhymetime.

    • #4
      Kaycedanielle, this strikes me as a poem with a kind of prose epilogue. What I mean is: the lines down to getting worse read as a complete poem in their own right. For a work presented in written form like this (rather than a spoken performance) maybe you could break up the lines into shorter units: that would signal more clearly to readers that they are dealing with a poem, and would also help them to focus on your phrasing and concepts, which are excellent. Here's an example of how you might use line breaks to shape rhythm and meaning:

      The first time I showed him my poetry
      he told me
      it was beautiful like the way
      my face shines
      when I look up at the sun
      and he said that he knew it came
      from deep within me.


      The second time I showed him my poetry
      he told me
      to try just a little bit harder
      and he knew
      that I would make a good piece
      if I did just so.


      The third time I showed him my poetry
      he told me
      he wished I wrote like I used to
      because they're
      getting worse.


      Notice how the number of lines in each stanza diminishes, reflecting the falling esteem of the anonymous 'him'. There's also an attempt to regulate the number of syllables in each line, to effect a kind of rhythm, though still only loosely at this stage.

      Now, you could perhaps take the content of the latter section of your piece in a more structured, less discursive direction. I'd say that it's often good to leave things implied in a poem. You merge into a kind of directly confessional mode that would be excellent material for poetic treatment, but seems not yet to be a poem, unlike the first section.

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      • rhymetime
        rhymetime commented
        Editing a comment
        Great critique

    • #5
      Some very adept observations, and sage advice, offered by Mr. Hayes.

      His technical prowess has definitely influenced how I write.

      Technical nuances aside, there are several goodies here, some excellent phrases, conveying deep emotion.

      As one who is constantly struggling to perfect his form, I can relate to the challenges.

      There are much better technical writers than I, on this forum.

      I suspect that you write much like I do:
      I am inspired by something, and the verses just see to pour out. I rarely, if ever decide to write a poem, and then studiously craft it.

      I will say this, sometimes the structure of a poem, emphasizes its aspects, much like a painting, and that which is designed to garner greater attention, must be brought to the fore.

      I sometimes find that challenging, so I experiment with phrasing, and try to read aloud, to determine if the phrase, as presented, is as impactful as I had hoped.

      Hope that was helpful.

      I look forward to reading more of your work. Your poetic sensibilities are clearly pronounced, and I suspect there will be further gems coming from you.
      Last edited by DWAYNE; 07-20-2016, 08:34 AM.

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