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  • Tuneful Trekking

    I’m playing around with an idea for a new form/formatting. I’d appreciate feedback. Which do you like better, version 1 or version 2?


    Tuneful Trekking (version 1)

    long and far
    ago and away

    we from close
    emerged from cocoon

    spun like nest
    solid like silken

    splayed of vast
    courage of winglets

    touched with hope
    heavens with springing

    soft on sweet
    landed on journey


    Tuneful Trekking (version 2)

    long ago and far away
    we emerged from close cocoon
    spun solid like nest silken
    splayed courage of vast winglets
    touched heavens with hope springing
    soft landed on sweet journey

    ©RhymeLovingWriter 2016

  • #2
    Door number 2! But both are wonderful!

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks MHenry. I appreciating your taking time to comment.

  • #3
    I love them both. If I had to choose, I would go with number 1. I feel it displays the poem's wares more fetchingly, and the sense of pause between the short lines makes one pay close attention to the marvellous phrasing.

    I mean silken / splayed vast / courage of winglets - jeez, wish I had written that!

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Grant for engaging and that very nice compliment!

  • #4
    I'm torn between the two versions. One interesting thought? If you had never asked and just posted one or the other, you get kudos and likes for both. With # 1 I feel adventure and exploration and # 2 I feel grounded and comfortable. Does that make sense?

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      It makes perfect sense Bobby. They were actually birthed together - the first built on the phrase 'long ago and far away', but rearranging the words to see how I could bend them to a new sound.

  • #5
    I like them both but am partial to the first - the pausing seems to cause more drama and intent.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Alex - for the view, like, and comment. Yes, that was the effect I was going for - a short pause to emphasize the repetition.

  • #6
    I think #2 is easier on the mind but #1 is more poetically rewarding. much would depend on your audience if you must chose 😄 many likes for both!

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you LG. You know, I've heard so often to consider the 'who' when writing prose, but honestly I don't think I've ever given it much consideration in poetry. I always just think 'for everyone', but then you are very correct in saying the audience may be key to form.

  • #7
    lunar glide >poetically rewarding and easy on the mind. I love that comment and we got both!

    Comment


    • #8
      sometimes the mind needs easier. a few digs with the shovel is all you need to plant. not necessarily an explosion that leaves a crater. 😄 fyi not referring to your work lol.
      Last edited by lunar glide; 07-19-2016, 08:42 AM.

      Comment


      • Bobby Del Boy
        Bobby Del Boy commented
        Editing a comment
        lunar glide, I resemble that remark! Lol! I actually indentify myself as the everyday man/woman's poet. Yes, I'm "just a guy in the diner"

      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        'Crater construction' - that sounds like a poem all by itself! I'm wanting something new - and edgier - still trying to find and define it. Thanks for reading and taking time to comment LG.

    • #9
      Gotta go with number 2
      Which one do you prefer?

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Thanks rhymetime - an interesting question about which one I prefer - I like them both but am leaning toward version 1 because it makes people stop to think more, as opposed to meandering through smoothly. I'm looking for something with punch - but not necessarily assaulting verbiage - more with the formation or disjointedness of standard sentence/phrasing structure.

    • #10
      today at this very minute NO. 2 is my preference. I am feeling a dreamlike sequence while reading:
      spun solid like nest silken
      splayed courage of vast winglets

      No. 1 i am hearing a march... might just be my mood! a goosestep even!

      Both are very good RhymeLovingWriter !

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Yes, Suz-zen - there is a very distinctly different 'tone' even though the wording is nearly identical. The only think added is the repetition of the preposition for the second line. It is not normal spoken cadence, and startles a bit.

    • #11
      While both are very good, I'm more towards number one. To me it has more of a sense of wonder, and made my mind envision what it was saying. Of course, reading it first it then made number two seem more predictable and grounded to me.

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you Muttado1sb for the look, like, and comment. Since the words used are nearly identical, I could see how version two would seem more predictable. I wasn't sure how to present it for critique without putting them together in one post for comparison.

    • #12
      Thank you - all of you - for taking time to engage with this little practicum of mine. I'm inspired by the greatness and constant new form stimulation/manipulation that the Rhyme Zone poets bring to this space and am kind of excited to think I might create something new that will work (to be followed in formulaic fashion someday by others).

      This was my thought process while working on this:

      1. The phrase 'long ago and far away'. Standard, maybe even famous for the Star Trek series - how can I make this into something new and unique to me? That split it into 'long and far' and 'ago and away'.
      2. That meant I had a count of (1 preposition 1) on the first line of the couplet and a count of (2 preposition 2) on the second line of the couplet.
      3. Could I recreate this pattern using different words yet keeping that count and use of same 1 count preposition within a couplet?
      4. Could I create enough phrases, each with that count but a different preposition (still 1 count) and string them together to make some sort of sense?
      5. Could I then take those phrases (from version 2) and rearrange them in the pattern of version 1 in a way that would be smooth enough and intelligible enough to qualify as a poem?
      6. Could I make the couplets rhyme?

      I had some success with steps 1-4, but when I got to 5 - I know that only some of the phrases I came up with work. And I abandoned step 6 altogether. I'm not saying it couldn't be done, but it would take considerably more time.

      Not sure if I want to pursue this particular format, but it is invigorating to think about new ways of doing things.

      PS (I guess technically 'and' is a conjunction and 'like' is an adjective, so that's a further breakdown of my concept.) Oops!
      Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 07-19-2016, 09:05 PM.

      Comment


      • MHenry
        MHenry commented
        Editing a comment
        This is definitely ambitious, RLW! If you succeed, they will come!

        if and they
        some might say
        you and will
        wait until
        succeed and come
        the day is done

    • #13
      I'm revisiting some of my older stuff and have come up with a third version of this. I realize that we used to have a lot more commenting in the zone and it helped me to learn. I'd like to get back to that if others are interested. Anyway, I'd love to know what you think about Version #3 if you get a minute. Thanks.


      Tuneful Trekking (version 3)

      long and far
      ago, away

      we from close
      emerged cocoon

      spun like nest
      solid, silken

      splayed of vast
      couraged winglets

      touched with hope
      heavens springing

      soft on sweet
      landed journey

      Comment


      • #14
        Thanks for doing this! I love seeing different version of the same work. It's difficult for me to imagine a poem having a final "perfect" version; I'd rather see different incarnations, maybe reflecting different moods or occasions.

        That said, the first seems to be my favorite. I like lines that mirror each other.

        Comment


        • RhymeLovingWriter
          RhymeLovingWriter commented
          Editing a comment
          Thank you for the feedback Poldy. When I first started posting in the Zone it was very much a "one and done" approach. I've learned from other poets about how a piece can morph into a new creation with time and tinkering!

      • #15
        Unseen before
        This and its commentaries made
        an interesting read

        The first
        each couplet
        an eye-tracked
        patterned camisole,
        a shift of random weave
        traced till, with repetition
        understanding came

        The second's lyrical
        flow brought to mind
        Mathis, Kerned
        "Long Ago and Far Away"

        The third,
        in keeping with
        the times, a mash-up
        where the stuttered eye
        retraces only the first line
        reaching for the familiar.
        The Fairy Tale
        Incunabula
        of Long ago
        and far away

        Comment


        • RhymeLovingWriter
          RhymeLovingWriter commented
          Editing a comment
          Thank you Johntee for taking a look and leaving such versing! I, too, was most interested in the commentary part of the process. It is often where much of my learning occurred and I hope for it to always continue. As for "Incunabula"? New word for me...fascinating...and thank you for the introduction!
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