My mothers lover.

[Kaycedanielle3]

I am going to a poetry slam tomorrow and have to present. Can you help critique this? Thanks!



Not to my ex.
But to a man I wish was my mother’s.

Leave.

I would say please but I’ve lost all respect.
you’ve never deserved any.
You don’t deserve her.

She is the most amazing light
this world has ever seen.
She can’t see that the only source of income you bring
is pure agony.

And don’t even get me started about seeing you.

Your face stays in all of my dreams
and turns them into places I would truly hate to be.

Moving in while my dad was still here was in very poor taste
weren’t even divorced and you took her away.

This is not why I hate you.

No, you know why.
You barged into my life
attacking me and every part.
Hurting my feelings and hurting my arm.

I cannot wait for the day that you tell us goodbye.
You’ve affected me worse than anyone I’ve ever known.

Leave.

I would ask nicely but you deserve nothing from me.
I’ve never wished death upon anybody.
The idea is so wrong.

But I’ve found my one exception.

[Suz-zen]

Kaycedanielle3 This is deep feeling emotional plea with a clear message. I like it.
I might title it 'LEAVE"
unless you have a real strong connection Lover and mother. After reading this piece I think LEAVE may play better with your audience. But what do I know?

You might also want to consider a pause at your last line, a sigh. and the add one more : LEAVE.

My favorite lines are:
Hurting my feelings and hurting my arm.

I’ve never wished death upon anybody.
The idea is so wrong.

But I’ve found my one exception.


Let me kn ow how it goes?

you will do great!