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fog horn's call

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  • fog horn's call

    writing my poem
    I touch you in the echo
    of violins playing notes
    delicate on the horizon


    energy
    falls
    from
    the
    sky


    to hungry open mouths

    the crashing waves
    catch the fog horn’s call
    muffled warning
    aroused refrain

  • #2
    Interesting and lyrical, Suz-zen, sounds over the ocean!

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you MHenry!

  • #3
    I like the words chosen and I applaud the new format. Honestly, I am stopped right in the middle by

    energy
    falls
    from
    the
    sky

    On first read, I stopped at each line with force - and it broke the rhythm for me. Perhaps that was your intent - like waves crashing into the shore - but the words seem to form one complete phrase, so I thought I'd ask - why this choice? I love the picture painted by the rest.

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      thank you for asking! this was a 'user error' on my part in the zone! NOT my intent!! when i posted the words they had cascaded left to right to form one line, but when i clicked on Post they lined up to the left margin ((???)). I was so darn tired last night i said' aw, to heck with it '
      (or insert stronger language)....

    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      This has happened to me too. Sometimes I get it right, but sometimes I've spent a lot of time formatting and hit 'preview' and it comes out all left justified, even using the editing tools. So I understand that completely. Your intent provides a great picture - of the words dropping into the 'hungry mouths' line. Perhaps someone in the zone with more word editing skills can enlighten both of us??

    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      Glad i am not alone in this! thank you for the generous comments, as always!!

  • #4
    I have to agree... my jaw dropped open at:

    energy
    falls
    from
    the
    sky

    For me, that line weighs heavy (and that is a good thing).

    Your lines are so full of meaning, dripping with beauty. Fabulous write Suz-zen

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      Hi Sumyanna, greatly appreciate your comments here on this one as I put forth effort on new devices. I was after a 'dripping' quality!! So i am really excited that you used that word! Almost said like 'honey dripping from the sky' but thought it too gooey!!

  • #5
    So simple yet so effective, intriguing more with each read. The last stanza, for me, is the crown - so musical.

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      grant, i wrote the poem around the last line. thank you!!
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