Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Voyages

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Voyages

    Voyages

    she ebbed where he flowed
    he returned favor in kind

    mesmerizing motion of rhythmic tidal melody
    consumed their days

    evolution altered things

    one cast too many, into sea of speculation
    and deep beneath serenity of seeming placid seas
    grew riptide of rebellion

    she thought he would stay

    he let himself be carried away



    ©RhymeLovingWriter 2016
    Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 06-28-2016, 09:23 PM.

  • #2
    one cast too many into sea of speculation
    and deep beneath serenity of seeming placid seas
    grew riptide of rebellion


    this is marvelous!
    entire piece is captivating

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Suz-zen for reading, the like, and the kind comment!

    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      the last two lines with the space in between causing pause is also quite moving... well done.... not enough LIKES !

  • #3
    RLW, This is a truly stellar poem! From my perspective, as an outsider, I probably like the poem better without (posited theory) in it. though I do see how it flows into the next line
    which I might write as "one cast too many guesses" The images you have utilized are brilliant and succinct. The history of this brief romance? is told beautifully.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Tanner for the like and comment. I agree with you in reference to (posited theory) and have removed it.

      I have a question about the 'cast' line. I mean to imply 'cast' as a noun - not the verb or action of casting. I puzzled over it, and thought maybe a comma after many, like so:

      one cast too many, into a sea of speculation...

      but that didn't seem quite exactly correct either. Would a simple comma do the trick? Or have you another suggestion w/out adding more words?

      This is a made up tale. I felt I needed something to balance 'Penetration' and this seemed slightly toward the other side of the coin. I'm not much for astrology, but one of my sisters is, and she tells me as a Libra I'll always be seeking balance. It does seem to ring true at certain times.

  • #4
    What about "cast too many doubts..or cast too many nets (the latter of which would fit with the other sea related imagery)?" RLW, I am envious of this poem and wish I had written it..hence the desire to fiddle with it. I hope you are not offended. Another thought! Please forgive, what about, "one cast too many nets into oceans of speculation" i.e. to not reuse the word sea later and
    secondly to involve a larger presence (oceans). Again, just thoughts from Tanner. An obsessive fiddler with his own writings, as you may have noticed, I am often reposting revised poems
    after feeling that they needed to be strengthened...

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      I thank you Tanner for the observations. I am still considering. I really like 'cast' as the noun. I can be stubborn that way.

  • #5
    I love: she thought he would stay - he let himself be carried away.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks Atl. For the view, like, and comment. I love when someone shares which part spoke to them!

  • #6
    Don't alter it too much, Rhymist. I read it earlier this morning and was smitten with its assurance and power. It seemed seamless to me, then. This is another instance of your capacity for handling every conceivable poetic form - from the strict to the open - with mastery.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Grant. As you know, I'm not too used to revision, but I do want to learn what is truly good. I thank you for the confidence expressed in the original.

  • #7
    its a trick to know when you've done something special. assuredly you have here!

    Comment

Working...
X