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The way from heart to goal

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  • The way from heart to goal

    Hi! I'am a Russian poet. Recently I started to write in English because I'am a big fun of English and English poetry. I'am glad to share the first two stanzas of my forthcoming song. Therefore, I would be extremely thankful to you for requests, remarks and critics, which would allow further improvement of this lyric in future.

    There are no direction arrows
    On the way from heart to goal.
    Day by day the border narrows
    And it may seem hard to go.


    But how brilliant each sign is
    When you dream and close your eyes!
    No one gives, except a silence,
    Any answer or advice.

  • #2
    Hello Andy. Kudos to you for writing in English! The idea of your song is good.

    I am not sure what you mean when you use border in the third line of the first stanza. Are you meaning that the distance between the heart and goal narrows? If so, then you could use the word distance instead:

    Day by day the distance narrows

    The alliterative repetition of the consonant d would enhance the poetic appeal of this line.

    I see you could mean that the border - that is, the dividing line - between the heart and goal is becoming thinner, a reduced barrier. But, while the border narrows makes sense on its own, it seems not to fit with the journey implied in the preceding lines There are no direction arrows / On the way from heart to goal.

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    • #3
      The second stanza is a bit enigmatic. The first two lines But how brilliant each sign is / When you dream and close your eyes! seem to be expressing something positive. But the next two lines seem to have a more regretful tone. Or is the lack of answers and advice a good thing? It is hard to tell.

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      • #4
        The way you have arranged the words in a sort of semi-rhyme works well. You have a feel for the rhythm of the English language, for sure. Very good!

        Comment


        • #5


          Hello. Thank you, I'm glad to join the forum and hear such inspiring words. It this song I used figural language: the road is life and the border is time limit which decreases while days pass. But I liked your idea a great deal: distance sounds well but whether, in that case, the conjunction "and" would be fit?

          Comment


          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            'and' before 'it may' in the last line? I think the presence of a syllable there smoothes the transition.

        • #6
          With regard second stanza I mean that an inner voice is the best guide. If the seventh line is not understandable whether it would be better to add a colon after the sixth line and replace the text to ¬ęClose your eyes to hear in silence" ?

          Comment


          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            That would work, Andy. I do like the original last two lines; they are wonderfully enigmatic. But what you propose as an amendment is good too.
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