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Unrequited Love

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  • Unrequited Love

    ...
    Last edited by Sumyanna; 07-17-2016, 09:37 AM.

  • #2
    A perceptive reading of a man's longing, Sumyanna. Your powers of empathy are astonishing.

    In terms of diction, I don't think the addition of 'do' before verbs is necessary. And the use of 'doth' in the last line seems out of place; a gratuitous archaism. If you want a one syllable auxiliary for rhythmic purposes, 'will' or 'shall' work. Alternatively, you could find a suitable replacement for 'crush' with two syllables, the stress falling on the second. 'Doth', along with its archaic siblings hath, ere, o'er, 'neath, twixt, strike a dissonant note in poems that are otherwise contemporary English.

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    • Sumyanna
      Sumyanna commented
      Editing a comment
      Truly thank you again for your comments grant hayes. This poem was written for an image in black and white and it looked from a different time. I wrote originally trying to keep it in older English, but then scrapped the idea. I went back and fixed it - but missed some :-) I truly love it more with the changes you suggested.

  • #3
    Thank you. I see that and will make the needed changes. I appreciate your comments Grant.

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    • #4
      Unrequited love, such a bittersweet emotion, which you have captured lovingly and longingly, Sumyanna!

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      • Sumyanna
        Sumyanna commented
        Editing a comment
        It is never easy - and I am sure many throughout history have known it well, sadly. Thank you MHenry

    • #5
      Brush my fingertips across your soul?

      You sure can turn a phrase!

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    • #6
      Sumyanna this first line is enchanting:

      'What is it in the scent of your skin
      That brings my heart to madness?'


      And this almost unutterable!
      'Though you know me well,
      I am unknown '


      What a poem... thank you.

      grant hayes I always learn so much from your comments and appreciate when you share...input/ knowledge.

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      • Sumyanna
        Sumyanna commented
        Editing a comment
        I think many have felt the anguish of this. Could not help but bring it to life - I sometimes wonder at the emotions caused by different situations.

    • #7
      Feelings brought to life thank you

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      • Sumyanna
        Sumyanna commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you very much Parkinsonspoet. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you about the poetry, but we have been really busy laying hardwood floors. Will soon.

      • Parkinsonspoet
        Parkinsonspoet commented
        Editing a comment
        ok thank you
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