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Raptors in Flight

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  • Raptors in Flight

    Raptors in flight
    through azure sky
    beautifully soar
    across the sun
    Effortless speed
    disguises rush
    Circling around

  • #2
    Yes, all that graceful gyring is about death for something or other down below.

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Hahahahahahaha, Grant Hades.

      Your cheeky ha'sonnet conjures the alarming image of me in a tutu traipsing through the nicer parts of the underworld, perhaps spouting 'the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain' to the bemused shades, in which instance they would conclude they had indeed been condemned to eternal punishment.

    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      I was afraid ''Elysian fields'' would send it the wrong way, but I liked it too much not to use it. And it tangentially fits with use of ancient gods imagery in your poems, so why not. Glad you enjoyed it.

    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      Ballet for the Dead

      The Ballet for the Dead,
      danced by a fellow poet,
      was something we did dread,
      though tried hard not to show it.

      Dressed in a black tutu,
      a black leotard and top.
      Though holding a skull, too?
      Alas, poor choice of prop.

      His rhythm was quite good,
      but in dance he was not trained.
      Whether or not he should
      he was feeling unrestrained.

      To add to the absurd,
      the part that was the topper,
      he spouted sing-song words,
      his elocution proper.

      The shades they were bemused,
      but they knew they were condemned
      to be so much abused
      when such punishment descends.

      We did not dread the shades,
      nor their Elysian home,
      nor even their boss Hades
      who ruled the lands we roamed.

      The viewing's what we dread.
      It is a bad performance.
      He should focus instead
      on his strength; making words dance!
      Last edited by Muttado1sb; 06-07-2016, 02:26 PM.

  • #3
    I like this too. I'm not sure if the turn is as strong - it seems more of a continuation of the action? But then, I'm just learning this too - and I'm particularly weak on the volta - so take this observation with the grain of salt.

    Comment


    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      Well, I thought something like that at first, but was trying to stay away from that sort of rhyme with this poem, to give myself a bit of a challenge with the form. And to me it is a challenge not to rhyme like that.

    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Oh, OK, I did read that. The rhyme is such a habit with me. Then what about 'Caution light flares' or 'Danger light flares' - in keeping with the non-rhyme and something that might happen on a flight - but also the double meaning since something is about to be eaten?

    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      That could work, too. But another part of what I was trying to do was replace what would rhyme in how I have been writing these with synonyms or ideas wirh similar meanings, so the last line's two rhymes would be two synonyms. Just making it too hard in myself. :-)

  • #4
    Oh I do love these - excellent. Truly fabulous.

    Comment


    • #5
      Thank you. On this one I tried.

      Comment


      • #6
        I see I am too late with my suggestion a few moments ago to experiment with free verse and other forms!
        Also, as RLW points out, the continuation vs. volta is a 'trap' for the unwary.
        However, I think we can carve out a niche for the continuation as a sub form of the Ha'Sonnet, so long as there is a turn somewhere in the piece and preferably a surprise resolution at the end.
        Let us keep playing with the form and we will see what works best.

        Comment


        • Muttado1sb
          Muttado1sb commented
          Editing a comment
          Thank you, MH. There is a surprising amount of lot if room for variety in this format.
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