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Watch What you Eat

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  • Watch What you Eat

    Watch What you Eat

    Birds of prey scan
    From clouded sky
    Catch what they can
    With eagle eye
    But puffer fish
    A poison dish
    Dead bird, last word


  • #2
    Brilliant-as I knew it would be!

    Comment


    • #3
      We seriously could sell this as a new poetic form. I posit that you, Grant, and I compile a collection of these. I am meeting a publisher next month. I will pitch this!

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Seriously? And I thought there was nothing new under the sun. Amazing.

    • #4
      Okay, you have qualified as an instant Ha'sonnet master along with Rhymist, MHenry.

      This is terrific. The form suits you, as it has an inbuilt Henrician turn option.

      It gives a little more room than haiku or a tanka to develop an idea or setting, but is still agreeably brief.

      Comment


      • #5
        I like how both of you have integrated rhyme schemes with the form as well. Top drawer!

        Comment


        • #6
          I went back to my 'Got me the moon' poem that started this progress, and although it satisfies the syllabic and line-count strictures, I am not sure there is a volta and turn there. There sort-of is, but not quite pronounced enough, probably. It's like a trilobyte to your eagles.

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          • RhymeLovingWriter
            RhymeLovingWriter commented
            Editing a comment
            Could you work something 'eclipsed' into the last line? That strikes my ear as a possible turn.

          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            Got me the moon
            In a puddle
            Of summer blown
            To ripples wait
            For the stillness
            Quiver turning
            Ah, eclipse bites

          • RhymeLovingWriter
            RhymeLovingWriter commented
            Editing a comment
            I LIKE it!

        • #7
          It's lyrical and moonstruck. It's got ripples, stillness, and quivers for grant's sake! A magic potion!

          Comment


          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            Thank you, Maestro, but I'm not quite convinced by my quick change. Nevertheless, you and Rhymist have shown that this bird can fly; it's no dodo.

        • #8
          I love the endings on these. They catch me and then make me laugh!!

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