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Unreachable Ambitions

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  • Unreachable Ambitions

    I’m chasing the sunset,
    That I just haven’t found yet.
    Scrambling through the clouds,
    Fighting to kill the shroud.

    But the sun moves farther away,
    Leaving me behind to decay
    In the shards of fallen ambitions
    Of the life that acts as my prison.

    But I don’t care anymore if I fall.
    I don’t care if I lose at all.
    But I won’t just let them beat me down,
    I won’t let them take away all but my frown.

    I’ll swim through the muggy waters
    Till my legs are too numb and I’m slaughtered.
    I’ll live for what I have left,
    Never looking away from the sunset.

    And if and when I fail,
    I’ll fail knowing that without derail,
    I fought till the sun was within my grasp,
    Even if I didn’t grab it, it I almost did clasp.

  • #2
    Very moving Darth leading up to the ending -- so close yet so far. I felt myself holding my breath hoping. Beautifully executed.


    • #3
      DV, this is a good use of rhyme to build a mood. One comment I would have concerns the last line. 'it I almost did clasp' sounds a little like forced rhyme to my ear. Maybe you could rework the last line or two to help smooth the movement. Something like this (in your own words, of course):

      Even if unsuccessful, I almost did clasp
      High soaring sun, so close to my grasp


      • MHenry
        MHenry commented
        Editing a comment
        Excellent suggestion, oh, mistress of rhymes!

    • #4
      Oh wow - fabulous lines. Truly - great poem full of inspiration. It is not always to attain a goal that is a wondrous achievement, but instead that we strived!


      • #5
        This is a great poem, Darth. RLW is right about the forced rhyme. I would love to see you rewrite this without rhyme, because you have a very powerful message here, and I think you need more freedom to fully express it.


        • #6
          Fabulous job!


          • #7
            Thank you all and thank you RLW for your insight. Thanks, and yes, I'll work on that line