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  • Escaping

    Tying back the darkened drape
    that hides a painfully clouded heart
    as I scratch at my window to escape
    through the chest I rip apart

    Shattering every entrapping bone
    breaking off all feelings of despair
    as my body a pale deathly tone
    inhales its last breath of air

    I tore through suffocative skin
    unveiling the scares that underlie
    the body I ravaged within
    until weakened veins ran dry

    As the clouds of acid rain clears
    I stand over the fragments of me
    over blood holding hands with tears
    looking deeply into eyes now free.

    By, Melissa June

  • #2
    Powerfully deep and moving Melissa. Scorching, pain-fueled memories redeemed. 'blood holding hands with tears' - takes my breath away.

    Comment


    • MelissaJune
      MelissaJune commented
      Editing a comment
      I'm glad you enjoyed my poem Thank you for taking to time to read it!

  • #3
    Intense.....very enjoyable write

    Comment


    • MelissaJune
      MelissaJune commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you very much

  • #4
    Hi, MelissaJune, This is a very beautiful and poignant piece of work. Very graphic with choice metaphors and intense emotion. Congratulations and thanks for posting.

    Comment


    • MelissaJune
      MelissaJune commented
      Editing a comment
      Glad you enjoyed reading my poem thank you for your kind comment

  • #5
    Melissa June, I am not usually one to do this, but I thought I'd suggest a couple of adjustments to make the flow easier. I offer it because I think this piece is powerful, and could be made more so with some editing. Have a read of this; I have in some places removed a word, in others substituted one of similar meaning. There are ways you could polish it even more; it's your poem. Try this out for flow:

    Tying back the darkened drape
    that hides a clouded heart
    I scratch at my window to escape
    through the chest I rip apart

    Shattering every entrapping bone
    breaking all feelings of despair
    as my body a deathly tone
    inhales its final breath of air

    I tore through suffocative skin
    unveiling the scars that underlie
    the body I ravaged within
    until weakened veins ran dry

    As the acid raincloud clears
    I stand above the fragments of me
    over bloodied hands with tears
    looking deep into eyes now free.

    Comment


    • MelissaJune
      MelissaJune commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you for your suggestions. Didn't notice to much of a difference pretty much the same to me but ya I do like some of the things you have changed. I won't change my poem but I will keep this in mind for my next write when trying to make my words flow better.

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      You are the poet, Melissa.
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