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  • Universe

    ​ If I could write a poem
    As beautiful as you

    It would consist of rainbows and
    Mangoes infused
    With blues and pinkish hues

    Where lake and stream fancy fish that
    Dare to dream
    To walk on water to get to land
    And touch the sky above

    Where Race nor Religion ascend
    If I could write a poem as beautiful as you
    A smile that outshines gravity
    And light, bend-

    Sparkles, that dazzle
    A waltz within your eyes
    I find myself totally immersed

    I reach for a star
    And grabbed a
    Universe
    Last edited by Odonko-ba; 04-27-2016, 07:45 AM.

  • #2
    You continue to raise the bar - with beautiful, hopeful, positive verse Odonko-ba. Me thinks you are definitely a romantic at heart. This is really beautiful.

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you RLW. I do have my moments. But I feel this one isn't quite finished. There's a few tweaks need working on before I feel it's complete. Thank you so much for reading commenting and your continued support.

  • #3
    Wow....Absolutely incredible, great imagery and the pic is an added bonus

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you so much. I am humbled by the reaction this poem is generating. It's what we as writers want...validation. Thanks again for visiting.

  • #4
    This leaves me speechless and breathless. It's absolutely beautiful, my friend.

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      To have you here reading and commenting on my work, is an honor poetess. Always. I'm glad you enjoyed it. A world where Race nor Religion matters. Imagine.

  • #5
    Where anything was possible and the line about reaching for a star and grabbing a universe. You are indeed a romantic my poet friend.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Great Odonko-ba - now I'm going to have start looking up your words too! Simulacrum was a new one for me! My vocabulary is growing these past two weeks, and I wonder, how will I retain it all?

    • AlexandratheLate
      AlexandratheLate commented
      Editing a comment
      I do imagine such a world -- hope I'm there!

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Bonus zesta points for deployment of 'simulacrum', one of my favourite words!

  • #6
    This poem just made me smile and enjoy this afternoon with my little cat.

    But one baby suggestion that you don't need to change if you do not want to.
    For this paragraph:
    Sparkles, that dazzle
    A waltz within your eyes
    I find myself immersed

    I just kept on asking myself immersed ... immersed? I would have put mesmerized.

    Again, it is my suggestion. Take it or leave it. No hard feeling, this was already such a treat !

    Comment


    • AlexandratheLate
      AlexandratheLate commented
      Editing a comment
      I like the fact that you rhymed immersed with universe, Odonko-ba. Initially when I read it, I thought as Vera but then when I noticed what you did, well it was an unpredictable move that emphasized that when you reached for a star, you actually got an even more unfathomable universe. Exquisite romantic write.

    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      The treat is mine. Thank you for reading and commenting. I did add one thing per your suggestions. Thanks again for your critique. It was most welcome.

  • #7
    Beautiful thoughts in well chosen words, Odonko-ba. May you win hearts!

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you poet. Your thoughts are always welcomed. And Inspiring.

  • #8
    Absolutely beautiful. Wording and subject. We see a lot of pain here and that was a most welcomed surprise. More Please.

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Brain. Your stamp of approval means a lot to me. Your words of incouragement and support fuels my inner muse. Thank you my friend.

    • Brainwreck
      Brainwreck commented
      Editing a comment
      You just gave me more power. Stamp of approval. You gain power by sharing power. Not giving it away, but sharing.

  • #9
    i like the hand in the gif.....It distracted me from the poem though. LOL

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you. Lol. I will keep that in mind.

  • #10
    Hi, Odonko-ba, This is a beautiful work of art. Your work keeps getting better and it was great to start with! Praiseworthy, indeed!

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you poet. It is always an honor to see your words of encouragement. Thanks for the support.

  • #11
    This is a masterpiece of imagery and emotion!

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks so much for visiting, reading, and leaving your thoughts. Impressions that leaves me humbled.

  • #12
    Your secret's out -- a true romantic and yes I think deep down we are or want to be. Takes the right kind of inspiration.

    Comment


    • Odonko-ba
      Odonko-ba commented
      Editing a comment
      Yes it does. And it comes when you least expect it.

  • #13
    So very true my friend!

    Comment

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