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A Sonnet - Enchanted Rose

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  • A Sonnet - Enchanted Rose

    Enchanted Rose

    Enchanted Rose, your scent intoxicates
    Your velvet petals moisten to the touch
    On thorny stem you brace, I penetrate
    Now, sated, withered, still you linger - clutch

    Will you yet be here when tomorrow dawns?
    A sweet caress, then gone like morning mist
    Your petals close, your lovely scent withdrawn
    A one-night stand will surely be dismissed

    But, wilted - winter bids you fond adieu
    Still unrequited - yearn for spring to come
    When your alluring charms begin anew
    Perchance, your propagation will be done

    As pollen bearers come in spring sweet breezes
    Enchanted Rose shall choose the ones she pleases
    Last edited by MHenry; 04-22-2016, 11:11 PM.

  • #2
    Beautiful

    Comment


    • AlexandratheLate
      AlexandratheLate commented
      Editing a comment
      Beautiful MH. The content is glorious, the syllables perfect, the quatrains are strong. Impressive!! Absolutely beautiful!!

    • MHenry
      MHenry commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, so much, AG! I almost missed this very flattering comment!

  • #3
    I will leave the technical appraisal to pipersfancy, our resident Sonnet Doyenne. For my part, I will praise the happy marriage of formal rigor and sensuous floral metaphor. I think this form suits you, MHenry. This lush piece is one to woo with, that's for sure, poet.

    Comment


    • #4
      Thank you for reading, Pp and grant. I am happy to hear you enjoyed this. I hope pipersfancy does not find too much fault with the form. I did struggle mightily for subject matter and abandoned one very false start (a Typhonic abomination only a mother could love). I hesitated to use the rose as a subject, particularly since pipersfancy's sublime example used the rose, but felt it offered more possibility for a modicum of success with the form.

      Comment


      • #5
        I love this!

        Comment


        • #6
          I always secretly hated sonnets. They seemed so hard to nail down, but you did great!

          My favorite line of all "Bringers of pollen in spring sweet breezes"
          I'm not sure how intentional, but it sounds like bees actually and has a third dimensional to this already great visual.

          Comment


          • MHenry
            MHenry commented
            Editing a comment
            Bringers of pollen in spring sweet breezes

            I had to give that up for the dictates of the form, but I, like you, prefer the original words.
            Great that it sounds like bees to you!

        • #7
          Thank you mooney and Vera. It isn't easy to write a Sonnet, and I don't know how well I succeeded, but if you treat it like a puzzle and stick with it, the pieces can come together, more or less!
          Last edited by MHenry; 04-23-2016, 11:41 AM.

          Comment


          • #8
            A tender and moving write. I've felt love like this before and believe me, it doesn't feel 'good.' Read it twice and I still come to the same conclusion; beautiful!

            Comment


            • MHenry
              MHenry commented
              Editing a comment
              Thank you Odonko-ba. Love is a wondrous thing. Enduring love is Heavenly.

          • #9
            Beautiful, I cut the first Rose of the season just yesterday. Of course, I am still literable..literal.

            Comment


            • grant hayes
              grant hayes commented
              Editing a comment
              'Literable': another choice neologism! đź‘Ť

            • Brainwreck
              Brainwreck commented
              Editing a comment
              Does that mean I am litter box trained? Or maybe a litter bug. Like y'all are letterbugs?

            • grant hayes
              grant hayes commented
              Editing a comment
              'letterbugs' even better!!

          • #10
            This is so beautiful MHenry! Don't know I missed it - and you've done the sonnet proud! This is almost erotic - but very tender at the same time. Nicely done!

            Comment


            • #11
              Hi, RLW, Thank you for discovering my almost erotic sonnet, and for the too kind appraisal. It so happens, I fiddled with it a bit not too many minutes ago, so you have seen the new, slightly improved, almost erotic version.

              Comment


              • #12
                Perfectly rhymed and metered, a classic theme of love too beautiful to retain, a lovely sonnet my friend! You have a natural ear for meter. Others have a more difficult hearing the stress syllables when writing. (Although, the smoothness of a well-metered poem is usually apparent to all who read it, some people may not be able to quite put their finger on what exactly the poet has done to create that smoothness!)

                A couple of suggestions for your consideration— the English sonnet (which this is) would traditionally put the volta (the turn of thought/argument) before the couplet, i.e. many times you will see the opening line of the 3rd stanza begin with the word, But... It's as if the poet has been dreamily floating along the first two stanzas, then suddenly realizes there is another side to the situation! The questioning turn is then answered by the final rhyming couplet.

                You do have all these elements in play— to make it more apparent, you could consider the switching of two words:

                Now, will you be here when tomorrow dawns?

                But wilted - winter bids you fond adieu

                Not necessary, and may not quite work for the meaning you are conveying. I'm just passing along the info for you to be aware that the vota/turn is considered an element to bring into play in the sonnet!

                One other quick thought— you allude obviously to a lover, it might be interesting to capitalize Rose within the poem, just as in the title.

                Oh - what fun! Someone else who enjoys writing sonnets! I do hope you continue... (they are kind of like eating chips... can't stop after just one or two!)

                Regards!
                pf

                Comment


                • Odonko-ba
                  Odonko-ba commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Wow. There us so much to learn. I'm just playing in the mud.

              • #13
                Hi, pipersfancy, Thanks for the read and the critique. What a simple and elegant fix you have suggested for the volta! I moved my 'but' as you suggested (little humor), and fixed the beginning of the second stanza in a slightly different way to avoid two consecutive lines beginning with 'Now,' and the change in wording is also an improvement in my mind. Tweaking can be fun when the tweaking works!

                I have also adopted your great suggestion to capitalize 'Rose' in the body of the sonnet. Garnish!

                Comment


                • pipersfancy
                  pipersfancy commented
                  Editing a comment
                  It was lovely in original form... it is lovely still in new display and truly this poem wears form of the sonnet like a glove! Bravo! Really, nicely writ!

              • #14
                MH I see Pipers handy work. I re-read this and just that slight change makes this even more beautiful. Absolutely love this. You are a natural my friend.

                Comment


                • #15
                  Thanks, AG, Your suggestions were right on, but until pipersfancy suggested the simple and elegant fix, I did not know how to approach it. I appreciate that you took the time, and stepped out of your comfort zone to educate me.

                  This is really an incredibly supportive group, with you as one of the most supportive, if not the most supportive, AG.

                  Comment


                  • AlexandratheLate
                    AlexandratheLate commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Aww that's sweet. Thank you. I gave you my personal cheat sheet. It helps me.
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