Community Castaways

[Brainwreck]

Community Castaways

Please pardon me....I'm on a bipolar break
I must contemplate....my whole future is at stake
but when I think about it, my head and heart ache
My guts churn and quiver.....my body shakes and quakes
How'd I get here? surely there's been some big mistake
Wake me from these nightmares, I just want day to break

Hhmmm, but now I'm living in the street
behind my dull gaze I'm incomplete
Your kids look my way, you say " deadbeat "
Me, from their mem'ries you'd like to delete
Just one meal would show them not to mistreat
Some kick me.... I'm already on concrete

Shun her, she is in decay
Walk fast and do not delay
Now a victim, easy prey
No one brush those tears away
why did she choose this pathway
She'll be off all of her meds
and weirdly sick in the head
Nobody to look her way
Dirty Lazy Bum, a Stray

How'd I get here? a mistake in my DNA?
I'd never choose the street life just to rot away
Most of us accept that we're lonely castaways
Some of us had a long strange trip, we could not play
Some are trapped cause they were born in the alleyway
Society thinks we chose this life, they walk....no......they run away.

But, I am not finished yet.

[Suz-zen]

POWERFUL writing.

From the title I love
beginning lines captivating
And what I am knocked out by:
Now a victim, easy prey
None to wipe my tears away
I did not choose this pathway
I will be off all my meds
and weirdly sick in the head
Nobody will look my way
Dirty lazy bum, a stray

I can cry me a river when I read this. Enough said.

[Brainwreck]

I'm not finished. It is a place in my notebook, but then I thought it would be a good ending. So it is both.
Maybe I should change it to I'm not finished yet.

[grant hayes]

The grey last line is the perfect way to conclude, Brain. 'I am not finished' - I choked up. It redeems the whole dreadful scenario in one stroke, affirms the subject's defiant humanity. I don't know whether you intended it, but it also happens to be an inversion of Christ's words on the cross: 'It is finished.' Not for this girl, it ain't. I like how you've arranged the four movements, with the torment like a squat vat in the third. In terms of measured rhythm, your second stanza hits the spot.

[Suz-zen]

love it just as it is-
wonderful observations grant.

[Sister Greed]

Nan, this should also get posted in the contest my dear!!! A fresh perspective we've yet to see. I love the breakdown (I don't know what it's really called): shun her, she is in decay...

[Brainwreck]

No, seriously you were homeless? How did you get out of it, if so? The syllables just came out shorter and I
continued it. I don't know the rules. I would probably break them anyway. Well, if I knew the rules, I could break
them in a better way. But, I am interested in what you think would make it better. Dropstep?

[Sister Greed]

Worked my ass off, accessed resources, didn't give up.

[MHenry]

Sister Greed, ten years on the concrete!? What kind of a country would let that happen?

[MHenry]

Brainwreck, this is a great write! Congratulations! From the heart to the page. That's poetry!

[Sister Greed]

Indeed. The best stuff.

[Brainwreck]

Thank you, MHenry

[1sided]

This is great Brainwreck! Challenging and beautiful.

[Brainwreck]

Thank you. 1sided. I like your name.

[mags]

I love the intro line and the rest followed suit. Well done Brainwreck!

[Brainwreck]

Thank you, mags.

[AlexandratheLate]

Brain and you don't think you're a poet. This is absolutely wonderful - I sense the struggle (I have friends who are on medication ) and you described it so that the readers can feel it - I love your line: behind my dull gaze I'm incomplete. Could not be said any better. This is an amazing poem. :-)

[Brainwreck]

AlexandratheLate, Thank you for your comment. And thank you again and over for all your help.
Trying to decide if I should change anything before I post to the contest. Dang, me in a poetry contest. I must be dreaming. I don't know who got into me
and decided to stay awhile.

[AlexandratheLate]

You are so welcome!! We have some amazing poets and friends here. You did the work and I would say this is your best.....so far!!

[Brainwreck]

Well, Brainwreck aka lousy friend, missed the deadline by minutes. Bite Me What time does this site have?

[imrogue]

powerful! especially the second stanza.

[Brainwreck]

Thank you to everyone. I don't know if I accomplished it the first time. I rewrote it last night. 1, 2 and 4 stanza is me talking. and the 3rd is what
everyone else thinks. The one time I used someone else's word, I put a " " around "deadbeat"
I was not smart enough to go thru the steps of entering it in the contest. I don't know what "time warp zone" Rhymezone is in.
I do know something is wrong with their clock.

[cc springer]

Brain. I had the same issue. I was trying to post something at 9 pm pacific time and got a message I'm not authorized to post. I checked and saw that the contest closed at Midnight Eastern Standard time - a minute earlier I would have posted it. Its a shame - your poem is really good.

[Brainwreck]

CC, I got the same message. I logged out and back in twice. I don't know which time zone they are in because the
times on these posts are so weird.

[Brainwreck]

Pipersfancy, Thank you for the suggestions. I did use a few of them. Thanks, Nan