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Help with a draft (and title too)

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  • Help with a draft (and title too)

    The following is a quick (and a bit random) draft that I had written, and I wonder if anyone can help with it, and even come up with a simple title for it too when my head had hurt trying to think of one, even of just one word to describe it. Well, here we go:

    Plastic society
    Synthetic identities
    Compassion was extinct
    Some time ago
    Now, here is the brand new

    Clandestine rituals
    Unknown tales to believe
    Their actions captured
    On video
    Now, the truth is out
    For desperate eyes to see

    Once the secrets become the truth
    No one can defend themselves
    Once the static becomes the clear picture
    We will observe, and remember
    The moment you wasted yourself

    Plastic society
    Where life is extinct
    Absent of purposes
    No real instinct
    We are the empty
    With secrets, left unsaid
    We are the mockery
    Of this generation
    Where real life is dead

    Tell me... is it good enough? Is everything coherent? Is the word choice carefully thought out? Though when I wrote it myself, it seemed that I had jumped from one subject to another between the first two verses even though that wasn't my intention. I did try my best to make it as good as possible and if it's not perfect in any shape or some, please tell me, and tell me if anything should be done to it. Also, as said before, I would like ideas for its title too. Thanks so much to anyone that offers their help.

    (except these brainless spambots that talk nothing but business crap. If I see any of this here, I swear to god I'll lose my temper)

  • #2
    Hey there,
    i have read and thought about this verse alot. I am not a poet of great skill nor can I dare to think of the work of others as imperfect. To my mind all poetry is perfect if it pleases the poet and shares a message. That message may not be the intened message, the reader may not grasp the poets thought. What is important is that the poem gives the reader thought, a reason to consider. a thought to agree or disagree. this poem does that.

    For me this verse speaks to mass production of sameness. a sameness that changes only when the production line is reset to a new sameness, a lack of independant thought. After all independant thinking is far more challenging that dependant thought.

    Some might change a word or recommend a different form. I cannot. It is, after all your poem.. You ask "is it good enough?" Good enough for what? you ask "is it coheret?" coherent depends on the mind writing it and reading it.

    so now I ask you, was my response coherent


    • Bry89
      Bry89 commented
      Editing a comment
      Erm... a bit. I know it is my poem at least but I just wanted feedback about it. Though you couldn't say much about it, could you suggest a title for it at least?

  • #3
    A title would have to be descriptive of the message you sought to convey. It is a good verse, but I am not sure of your message. You suggest that a plastic, synthetic society is devoid of humanness and diversity, an endless replication of emptiness, thoughtlessness, hatefulness and disregard. this is not new. I have a problem understanding this. Plastics, synthetics, humanity and society are all man made and seemingly indestructible. All are disposable, but take different forms throughout their evolution.
    Before there were plastics or synthetics there were humans. Humans gave birth to disappointment, disrespect, anger, hate and greed.
    Humans also gave birth to compassion, love, selflessness and tears.

    If you are angry with today, just wait. There is more good than bad, more love than hate, more dreams than nightmares

    Sorry, I cannot write your poem, That is your responsibility.


    • #4
      I was thinking of having "Corruption" as the title, as in how humanity is corrupt and with it shown to everyone via the Internet without them knowing. I hope that reflects well enough with the seemingly random content I spilled out.


      • #5
        Hello Bry89 , I salute your willingness to seek and hear constructive critique on an early draft of your work in order to shape revisions. Since you state it is a 'quick draft', I would suggest that it's sometimes worth putting those aside for a little while so you can see it with a fresher view when you pick it back up again. As it's now a week since you posted, I'm sure you will have new thoughts about it already.

        I had one main idea from reading your poem. I'll try to be as specific as possible, since I believe that is an important part of constructive critique, but I have no intention of ever rewriting your words.

        First of all, I note the broad subject area of this poem. Societal poetry can be difficult because you're covering such a wide range of people in one swoop. On that note, I think you should focus on something smaller in scope which is indicative of society as a whole. Just to pluck out a few phrases from your draft which could serve as a useful focal point, could you describe one member of 'Plastic society' or one person with a 'Synthetic identity', and make them representative of society as a whole? I think there are more than enough examples of celebrities who are famous only for being famous that could fit the bill there.

        If you can focus on one person you can then include more specific details and images to help readers connect to your ideas. Then you can describe how the poem's subject lacks compassion, what clandestine rituals they participate in, and how their life is so synthetic, just to pitch some examples from your own work back to you.

        Best wishes for your revision.


        • Bry89
          Bry89 commented
          Editing a comment
          Yes, celebrities fit the description of the first two lines well which was my intention, and the thought held in mind when I quickly wrote it down. Don't really want to go in-depth with the content because I wanted to keep it as minimal as possible, even of the "rituals" these people of a "plastic society" do. It can be anything such as bribery or a sex scandal, and it's publicised for everyone to see later on, thanks to the technology of the Internet.

          Thanks for you comment though and, apologies for the late response.